Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Stalking Santa

One person unlikely to get a visit from Santa this year is Madge Howlett, after it emerged that Father Christmas had taken an injunction out against the thirty four year old Droitwich shop assistant, preventing her from coming within thirty feet of him, or communicating with him in any way. Although St Nicholas himself was unavailable for comment, solicitors representing him confirmed that Miss Howlett had been stalking the festive icon for several years now. "Every year her letters to Santa got progressively more explicit," explains Winston Wanger of law firm Wanger, Wanger and Koch. "He's used to getting the odd saucy letter from ladies asking for sexy underwear, but, over time, her missives went far beyond this, not just in the kind of things she was asking for, but the suggestions as to what she could do to Santa." In addition to the expected innuendos about Father Christmas coming down her chimney and allusions to emptying his sack, the letters apparently also included extended sexual fantasies involving Miss Howlett, Santa and his reindeer. "Our client is an old man - he finds this sort of thing very upsetting," explains Wanger. "Quite apart from the embarrassment caused to his elves when they had to produce and then wrap some of the things Miss Howlett was asking for!"

According to the solicitor, Father Christmas was finally forced to take action when Miss Howlett's activities began to interfere with his work. "Obviously, visiting her house every Christmas became a highly traumatic experience, he'd frequently leave it until last and take at least one of the reindeer with him for protection," says Wanger. "As if this wasn't bad enough,Miss Howlett took to following his sleigh, hiding behind chimney pots and surreptitiously photographing him as he went about his business. Then last year she hid in someone else's wardrobe and leaped out at our client as he delivered their presents. He was so shocked he nearly had a heart attack! He was hyper-ventilating so badly that the householders - woken up by the commotion - called an ambulance." Following this incident Howlett was arrested and cautioned by police for breaking and entering. However, whilst Santa might have resolved one stalking issue, he now finds himself facing stalking allegations himself. "It's been going on for years," storms forty six year old ambulance driver Stanley Cupper. "Every bloody Christmas that dirty old bastard comes sneaking around my wife's bedroom while I'm on the festive shift! Don't think that I don't know who's been giving her all that sexy lingerie year after year! It certainly wasn't me!" Mr Cupper has previously failed to secure injunctions against newsreader Trevor McDonald - who he claimed was always eyeing his wife up whilst presenting News at Ten - and Radio One DJ Scott Mills, who he accused of making lewd propositions to his wife during his drive time show.

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