Lily Allen's Guide to Christmas Swearing

In the latest of our occasional series, the ever lovely Lily - who has recently announced that she is taking a year off from music to pursue her dream of becoming Britain's sweariest celebrity - gives us a traditionally sweary seasonal greeting. "Merry Fuckmas is obvious and to the point," she tells us. "The 'Merry' part retains the essential goodwill of the season, whilst the substitution of 'Fuck' for 'Christ' sufficiently subverts the message, implying a degree of mild offensiveness. Besides, trying to be witty at this time of year is counter-productive as everyone is too pissed to appreciate it. So keep it simple!" Indeed, alternative sweary seasonal greetings are fraught with dangers. 'Merry Puffmas and a happy New Queer', for instance, (as uttered by Malcolm Tucker in The Thick of It), might be considered offensive to homosexuals. It's also best to play safe and avoid anything which might inflame religious sensibilities in this festive season. The last thing anyone wants is to invoke the Christian equivalent of a fatwah over Christmas dinner. Moreover, as you yourself are likely to be inebriated, it probably is best not to try anything too complex, so follow Lily's advice and stick to 'Merry Fuckmas'.