Peace Through Nudity

Going through my old files, I came across several fragments of an alternative version of the story 'Nudists From Outer Space' that ran on The Sleaze some years ago, (it was also the basis of a segment of the pilot for the 'After Hours' podcast).  I've pieced them together (with a couple of bridging sentences) to form a vaguely coherent whole.  So, in lieu of a proper post, (I just couldn't come up with anything today), here's an early, alternate take on 'Nudists From Outer Space': 

“Ten or twelve of them at a time were leaping onto the display beds and indulging in wild an energetic sex,” claims assistant store manager Ralph Milner, who suffered third degree friction burns to his groin when his polyester trousers were ripped off by a naked reveller.    “The springs just weren’t designed to take that kind of thing - they all collapsed!”  says Milner, who admits that he remains mystified by the whole incident.    “At first I thought it was some kind of performance art thing, where they get all those naked women to tun up.    Then I realised that there were blokes with this lot, and a lot of them, both male and female, were bloody ugly!    I don’t call that art!”    Police suspect that the Ikea store incident was another example of the so-called ‘Nude Mobbing’ craze.    “It’s like ‘Flash Mobbing’, where large groups of people would be organised by mobile phone to just turn up at a particular location for a few minutes,” says Inspector Tim Carling of Bucks Constabulary.    “This new activity seems to be aimed at creating an affront to decency through mass demonstrations of public nudity!”    

Carling himself has first hand experience of ‘Nude Mobbing’, having been caught in an earlier incident on London’s Westminster Bridge.    “I was driving to Scotland Yard for a police conference one Monday morning, when scores of pedestrian commuters suddenley tore their clothes off and started jumping all over vehicles,”    he says.    “They were pulling people off of buses and forcibly stripping them!    I found my car immobilised by some fellow sticking his todger up my exhaust!    When I got out of the car to remonstrate with him, I found myself overwhelmed by the mob and my uniform being pulled off!    Before I knew it one woman had my truncheon between her legs, whilst another one squatted over my blue helmet!    It was most humiliating!”    Like the Ikea riot, the Westminster Bridge incident ended as abruptly as it started, with the participants putting their clothes back on and melting back into the general populace.

Whilst the authorities suspect that militant naturists, determined to force a change in Britain’s public nudity laws, could be behind this new craze, there have been suggestions that the incidents are actually evidence of activity by alien nudists from outer space, citing the case of Eileen Starkey.  The housewife claimed to have been impregnated by an alien naturist purporting to be a man from her insurance company.  During her impregnation, Eileen was given visions of the peaceful space society her visitors represented: “They showed me these wonderful scenes of idyllic green valleys on the Moon, full of naked people cavorting peacefully! They said our leaders had lied to us when they said that the Moon was an airless, lifeless world - they were trying to suppress the truth.    In reality, space suits aren’t needed at all in space - everyone is naked there!”

Black and White

Talking of old school tabloids as I was the other day, do you remember how, back in the heady days of the seventies, they used to pull stunts like having one of their reporters black up to 'experience a day in the life of a black person?'  Like there were no actual black reporters they could have sent out on such an assignment.  Or, even better just spoken to real black people about their experiences in seventies Britain?  Of course, at the time they thought they were being incredibly progressive with these types of story: exposing racism, prejudice and inequality first hand.  Except that, arguably, they weren't doing any of those things but rather exposing the reactions that a white man with boot polish on his face speaking in a fake West Indian accent might get from bemused citizens of all races.  Remembering this stuff made me ponder on whether something similar would work now, in regard to asylum seekers.  I mean, I'm surprised that the likes of Reform UK, or one of those right-wing rags that regularly encourage and give a platform to the extreme right, then react with shock and horror when right-wing thugs start violent 'protests', haven't organised such a thing.  

You can just imagine it, can't you?  Some hapless Reform UK member, (or better still, one of those scumbags from 'Patriot Platform'), blacking up and pretending to be Somali, sneaking aboard one of those inflatable boats in Calais and crossing the channel with the express intention of being detained and stuck in an immigration centre in order to 'expose' the life of luxury that immigrants supposedly enjoy at tax payers' expense.  Obviously, one of the first hurdles they would have to negotiate would be to refrain from cheering on the mob of fellow racist thugs who would inevitably meet the boat on the beaches, hurling abuse and rocks at its occupants.  Imagine their disappointment, though, when they find that the immigrant detention centres are actually shit holes, besieged by baying mobs of bovine protesters.  Even when they do get the chance to go into the nearest town, the asylum seekers find themselves spat upon and subject to abuse by the local bigots.  Mind you, if this fake asylum seeker was really unlucky, they might find themselves evading the authorities and under the control of some criminal gang using undocumented illegal immigrants as basically slave labour.  Living in overcrowded, damp-ridden flats and houses, bussed to and from twelve hour days in sweat shops working for no pay might well not be what they are looking for.  Mind you, I can't help but feel that their biggest complaint might be that they were never invited to join a 'grooming gang' and never got to rape a white woman, despite being promised that that was what all asylum seekers did upon arrival in the UK...

The Shocking Truth

So, these gloves that can give electric shocks to people touched by their wearers which the Trump regime wants to issue to ICE agents, don't they sound like the sort of thing that you used to see advertised in the back pages of porn magazines?  You'd find them alongside the ads for dodgy masturbation devices like the 'Wanky-Doodle-Dandy', (I kid you not, that was a real product), blow up sex dolls and the like.  They'd be promoted with something along the lines of 'how to make your love life electric', or 'give your woman an electrifying sex experience when you stroke her with these'.  Believe me, there are a lot of people into mild S&M who go in for this sort of thing - giving electric shocks to their partners' erogenous zones would, for them, be considered a major erotic turn on.  Especially if they shackled to iron bedstead at the time.  Or so I'm told.  But to get back to the point I was originally intending to make, this raises the question of whether ICE is now having its equipment supplied by the sex industry?  What next, you wonder: nipple clamps to restrain detainees, making it easier for ICE agents to pull them, by the nipples, into custody?  Or perhaps whips for crowd control?  Maybe they could use vibrators, claiming that they are powerful weapons to harmlessly subdue female targets?  How about swapping their current ski-masks for more durable leather gimp masks to keep their identities secret while they go about their illegal business?

Now, I know this sounds bizarre, ridiculous even.  But let's not forget the levels of corruption in the Trump administration.  In particular, the way in which various lucrative government contracts keep getting awarded to Trump cronies and family members.  Also bear in mind Trump's associations with porn industry figures like Stormy Daniels.  Is it so far-fetched to imagine that some hooker, madame, stripper or porn actress of his acquaintance  has set up some kind of sex equipment supplies company and has managed, via their contacts with him, to land a contract to supply ICE with equipment?   Perhaps she's also got the contract to outfit their detention centres, with the holding areas now styled like bondage dungeons, featuring detainees shackled to the walls.  The interrogation rooms could be equipped with wooden chairs fitted with manacles, or maybe even cages and racks, where detainees are spreadeagled naked while they have hot wax dripped on them until they give up the names of all their equally illegal immigrant associates.  If that doesn't work, then perhaps having a gimp-masked ICE agent bend them across his knee and give them a good hard bare-arsed spanking would do the trick.  After all, if Trump can give the White House a makeover so that it's interior now looks like a bordello, it seems perfectly reasonable that he'd hire someone to turn ICE's buildings into bondage parlours. 

Holy Dementia, Fatman!

That Trump is an utterly unhinged psychopath is pretty much beyond question, (and the US electorate equally unhinged psychos for having re-elected him), but  exactly where are his delusions leading him?  Increasingly, I'm beginning to suspect that he sees himself as some kind of super-villain.  In his own head he probably sees himself as Blofeld, Thanos or Lex Luthor, but in reality, I feel that he's closer to The Penguin.  Not any of those more recent revisionist versions of the 'Batman' villain, but rather the version played by Burgess Meredith in the sixties TV series.  It sort of fits with his increasingly insane speeches and pronouncements.  I mean, when reading or listening to them, just imagine him wearing a purple top hat, monocle, clutching an umbrella and smoking a cigarette in a long holder - the image fits perfectly.  It's the same when you see him on TV, embarrassing himself and his country at some international event or other: as he waddles in front of the cameras, just imagine him in that outfit.  Again, it fits perfectly.  He even does that super-villain thing of telling us all his dastardly plans, in detail, before he tries to enact them.  Then wonders why they inevitably seem to fall flat or get foiled by NATO, Canada, the EU or even Iran.  Soon, I'm sure, he'll be sneering, just like Penguin used to do to Adam West's Batman, as he delivers his speeches.

Then there's his apparent with Barack Obama, sorry, Barack Hussein Obama as Trump insists on calling him.  Obama's been out of the White House for at least ten years, yet Trump still seems to see him as some kind of threat.  Could it be that he suspects that Barack Hussein Obama is really Batman, out to foil him at every turn?  Maybe he thinks that Joe Biden is Alfred the Butler, Bruce Wayne/Barack Hussein Obama's aged retainer?  Perhaps Obama should start dressing up as Batman and appearing, unannounced, at events Trump is hosting, just to freak him out.  I have a strong suspicion that, some day soon, Trump will appear at a press conference dressed as The Penguin and, if he doesn't like the questions he's being asked, point his umbrella at the press and release poison gas into the crowd, killing them all.  After that, it'll only be a short step to a live TV broadcast in which he has Obama dressed as Batman strapped to some infernal device and starts ranting about his latest dastardly scheme  -suitably peppered with bird puns - before sneering and departing by telling Obama how the device he's strapped to will kill him.  Even though he's left a ludicrously easy way for Batman to escape with a single bound.  We can only hope then that Obama/Batman catches up with Trump and beats him up in the style of the TV series, with words like 'Ka-pow!', 'Wham!' and 'Ooof!' appearing on the screen.

Political Puppets

So, where is Mitch McConnell, the right-wing US Republican Senator and Trump enabler?  You know the guy - he's about three hundred years old and looks like a startled turtle that just been evicted from its shell.  Well, he hasn't been seen in an age - he's allegedly in hospital recovering from a fall, but, increasingly, people are suspecting that he's actually dead and has been for some time.  Some people claim to have spoken to him on the phone and his family has released some highly dubious 'proof-of-life' photos of him in hospital.  But with modern AI, that sort of thing can easily be faked.  Assuming that he is brown bread, why is everyone so reluctant to admit it?  Personally, I think that they are stalling in the hope that they can, in some way, resurrect him in order to keep up the Republican numbers in the Senate.  What form such a resurrection could take is the question, though.  Obviously, conventional medical attempts must already have failed - there's only so many times you can put thirty thousand volts through someone's heart without response before you have to concede that they are stone cold dead.  So, it is clear that unconventional measures will have to be employed.  They could, of course, go down the Frankenstein route and try massive multiple organ transplants to get him going again.  The problem with that lies in the sourcing of the organs as rejection is always a possibility.  They've doubtless learned from that fiasco with the late right-wing talkshow host Rush Limbaugh - there was an attempt to bring him back from the dead through simultaneous multiple organ transplants shortly after his demise.  The only fresh organs they could come up with at short notice were from a recently deceased young black man.  Limbaugh survived the operation and even revived, but he just seemed to know that he had the organs of a black person inside of him and rejected them in spectacular fashion - he literally exploded!

But what are the other options for brining McConnell back from the dead?  Well, there's always that old favourite, the Voodoo route.  Now, strictly speaking, this wouldn't bring him back to life, but rather see him raised from the dead as a zombie.  Which could have its advantages, from a political point of view, as a zombie McConnell would be completely compliant to the orders of his master.  Just the sort of Republican congressman that Trump likes.  Of course, there are those who might worry about the idea of a zombie McConnell, fearing that he'd start rampaging through congress, cracking open colleagues' heads and feasting on their brains, (although, some would argue, he'd probably starve if relied solely upon congress for his diet).  But it's only movie zombies that do that sort of stuff - traditional zombies created through Haitian Voodoo rites are compliant, slow-moving and rarely violent.  So, who knows, perhaps even now there are a bunch of Voodoo priests dancing around his hospital room, performing all sorts of arcane occult rites.  After all, if we're to believe Trump and Vance, the US is already infested with pet-eating Haitians, so by the law of averages, some of them would have to be well versed in Voodoo.  Personally, though, I think that they are going to go for the puppet option.  That's right, they're going to turn McConnell's dead body into a life size puppet.  That's why the delay and all the secrecy - they have to embalm him first, then replace his skeleton with a jointed metal framework, then work on attaching the strings, so that he can be manipulated like a puppet in a sixties Gerry Anderson TV series.  It wouldn't be the first time, although previous attempts have been somewhat less sophisticated - they apparently kept the Queen Mother going for several years as a simple puppet, with a stick up her arse operating her head and mouth, and a couple of sticks operating her hands, Muppet-style - she was always seen standing behind a balcony so they didn't have to worry about making her walk.  

Now, I know what you are going to say: 'Why didn't they do the same thing with Senator Graham instead of annoincing his death?'  Which is a fair question.  But there's an obvious answer: Graham's death was sudden, coming out of the blue, without a lengthy hospital stay to use as cover.  The same sort of thing happened with Princess Diana - there was just so much press attention surrounding her sudden death in a car crash that the authorities were forced to admit that she was dead almost immediately.  Believe me, if they'd had the chance of engineering a long hospital stay, then she'd still be with us today, jerkily wandering around on walkabouts, an embalmed smile permanently on her face, but posing no threat of embarassment to the Royal Family as she'd at last be completely under official control.

White Rage

It was another of those times when you could just feel that mixture of fury and frustration emanating from the racists over on Twitter when a suspect in the Anne Widdicombe was arrested and turned out to be a white British national.  Once again, their dreams of stirring up more race hate, a few riots and some burnings down of hostels housing asylum seekers had been foiled by inconvenient facts.   They'd all been banking on it being a racially-motivated murder and had already started drooling over the sort of provocative headlines that would follow the killing of a well known extreme right-wing politician with hardline views on immigration, by a non-white perpetrator, preferably an illegal immigrant.  So, naturally, they're all venting their frustrations, raging how the police wouldn't have mentioned the suspect's race if they'd been non-white, (despite the fact that nowadays, thanks to lobbying by extremists like them, the authorities have to mention such things, regardless of relevance), and trying to find ways to redefine 'white' as maybe 'not quite white', or clutching to straws, like the idea that the suspect might actually be a naturalised UK citizen from Eastern Europe.  It's surely only a matter of time before they start claiming that the suspect is non-white, but wearing 'white face' as a disguise.

Maybe  the usual rent-a-fascist mob will gather outside wherever the suspect is being held and try to storm the place, armed with damp cloths with which they'll try to wipe the 'white face' off to reveal that they are actually a Somali illegal immigrant.  Indeed, maybe this could be the start of a new campaign by the right-wing press to expose the 'army' of disguised illegals living, unsuspected, in local communities.  'How many of them are living amongst us?  Is your neighbour a secret illegal immigrant?  Do they ever go out in the rain?'  Readers could be encouraged to 'accidentally' spray suspected neighbours with a hosepipe, to see if their 'whiteness' washes off, (obviously, hosepipe bans have nothing to do with the heatwave - they're a liberal conspiracy to stop the exposure of those illegals falsely living as whites).  Doubtless any white celebrities who have spoken compassionately about the plight of immigrants and asylum seekers will be targeted as potential illegals in disguise. 'Is Gary Lineker really a Bangladeshi immigrant?  He comes from Leicester and the place is full of brown people - is he secretly one of them?  We challenge him to wash his face live on TV to see if the white comes off!'.  After all, everybody in the tabloid media knows that you can really boost sales if you can link celebrities to a contentious issue - who cared about peadophiles until they started unmasking celebs as kiddy fiddlers?  So, why not do it with immigration?  It's only logical.

Glorious Counter Revolution (Part Two)

Getting back to that idea of bringing the US back under the umbrella of British rule after their, frankly disastrous (for the rest of the world) 250 year experiment in independence, I think that we need to do more to expose their foundation myth as the pack of lies it really is.  As we've already established, that whole business about throwing off the shackles of a tyrannical king was all utter bollocks - George III, like every British monarch since William and Mary was a constitutional monarch with very limited powers.  It was really about the fact these revolting colonists didn't want to pay tax - most specifically the taxes which would pay for the UK's defence of them against the expansionist French, (we were, after all, in the middle of the Napoleonic Wars at the time).  But even then, it wasn't quite that simple, as it wasn't everyone who would have been paying the lion's share of those taxes, the main burden would have fallen on the wealthy. Like their 'Founding Fathers'.  These guys were the eighteenth century equivalent to today's billionaires and, like those contemporary guys, just don't see why they should pay tax.  Any tax.  So, again, just like today, these rich creeps decided to manipulate the populace into acting against their own interests.  Rather than trying to buy the system to elect their own right-wing millionaire clown, they instead cooked up a revolution by mobilising the masses against British rule.  Which, of course, involved lots of misinformation about the British.  Like the King being a tyrannical absolute monarch.

One of the supposed key events in working up this revolutionary fever was the so called 'Boston Massacre', when British soldiers allegedly opened fire on protesters in Boston, resulting in casualties.  It was the basis for much revolutionary propaganda.  But, bearing in the mind the parallels we've been drawing between 'Founding Fathers' and today's billionaires and their MAGA mobs, how do we know that these really were British soldiers?  I mean, the MAGA crazies like to claim that those January sixth whackos weren't really extreme right-wing Trump thugs fired up by Trump himself, but actually Antifa agitators in disguise, their actions designed to discredit Trump and his supporters and backers.  This is a narrative spun not just by the usual online crazies, but by wealthy Trump supporters, too.  So, is it inconceivable that those wealthy 'Founding Fathers' didn't organise some revolutionary cronies to dress up as British soldiers and shoot colonists in order to ferment dissent and slander the British?  Far fetched?  No more than that Antifa-disguised-as-MAGA January Sixth bollocks - and large numbers of Americans seemed happy to swallow that, so why shouldn't we use our version to further erode their foundation myths?

Because, you know, it's important to disabuse Americans of their self-aggrandising creation myths, from which they derive their extraordinary hubris that makes them think that they are somehow the God's 'chosen people', the 'Land of the Free' and the 'Greatest Nation on Earth'.  While Trump's reign might have started to beat some humility into some of them as a result of the US' subsequent lack of popularity in the rest of the world, it's important to remember that Trump isn't really that much of an aberration.  The US has always been a hypocritical bully that likes to preach its supposed democratic values at the rest of the world whilst simultaneously taking opportunistic advantage of the misfortunes and weakness of other nations in order to extend its wealth and power.  It's just that under Trump, the bullying and hypocrisy is undisguised.  But with their perfidy out in the open, it means that we no longer have to listen to their tiresome lectures about their supposed moral superiority, their claims to be a bastion of free speech or how we all 'owe' them for World War Two. (ignoring the fact they couldn't be bothered to turn up until some of us had already been holding off the fascists for nearly three years).  It's time we started reminding them that, in reality, their whole state was founded on lies, the creation of a bunch of super-rich scumbags who gaslit their population into a 'revolution', which swapped rule by an elected parliament (albeit in London), for rule by the aforementioned super-rich under the cloak of local 'democracy'.  An exaggeration?  Well, maybe a bit, but ultimately I'm so tired of being lectured by Americans about the UK's 'awful' imperialist past and all the bad shit done in our names back then.  But at least we acknowledge the evils of our past and accept that our prosperity was based upon the exploitation of weaker nations.  So, I think it's about time the Yanks started critically evaluating their history and accepting that their prosperity is equally based upon the bullying and exploitation of weaker nations and that they also have been responsible for a lot of nasty shit.  They aren't the greatest nation on earth by a long chalk, just another country founded on the lies of the rich.

Get a Sense of Humour...

OK, so last week I was on about how my ideal outcome for this latest FIFA World Cup of corruption would be an England-USA final, with the US getting thrashed in front of Trump in their 250th anniversary year, followed by rejoicing England fans burning down the White House in celebration.  Well, since then, I've though of something better: an Iran-USA final.  Maybe Trump could base the whole outcome of his 'peace talks' with Iran on it - if they win, they retain full control of the Straits of Hormuz, if they lose, the US can bomb them 'into the stone age'.  Even better, though, the Iranian players and fans could all turn out to be suicide bombers and blow themselves, the stadium and Trump to bits, win or lose.  Of course, if I were to try and run this gag past any US acquaintances, then there'd be much pearl clutching and hand wringing as they expressed shock and horror over the idea of joking about political violence.  Their sensitivity on this subject is a phenomenon that never ceases to amaze me - one of the most violent societies on earth, where the ownership of lethal weapons is constitutionally enshrined as a right and actively encouraged, where they allow their children to be slaughtered by crazed bastards exercising such rights on a regular basis, but they can't take a joke about political assassinations.  I mean, it isn't as if they haven't assassinated enough of their own presidents and political leaders to assume that this simply wasn't a sensitive subject any more.

But no, you can't joke about blowing up even a deadbeat senile sex offender like Trump, without finding yourself subjected to much finger-wagging and admonishments over 'encouraging' or 'condoning' political violence.  Oh, for fuck's sake!  Get a sense of humour!  There's a version of this sanctimonious shit this side of the Atlantic, as well, in those people - usually on the right - who bellow about how Nigel Farage having milkshakes thrown at him somehow constitutes assault.  Because, you know, next time it might not be a milkshake - it might be battery acid!  Which begs the question, of course, if the hurlers of milkshakes really wanted to harm Farage, why didn't they throw battery acid at him in the first place?  (Mind you, these self-same hand-wringers would always applaud loudly when eggs were thrown at Jeremy Corbyn or water poured over John Prescott because that so obviously wasn't assault, was it?).   It's all bollocks, obviously.  The throwing of stuff at politicians goes back to at least Roman times, when it was considered perfectly legitimate to hurl rotten fruit and vegetables at public speakers if you didn't like what they were saying.  Indeed, I recall that when I was a kid people were always throwing tomatoes at Ted Heath when he was Prime Minister and nobody batted an eyelid - there was nobody going on about 'assault' or claiming that it might encourage or condone actual political violence.  I guess it all comes down to how robust one's sense of humour is - I mean, these right wingers are always banging on about how the left are over-sensitive to stuff intended as a joke and are a bunch of snowflakes, yet throw a milkshake at Farage, which I think is hilarious, and the cry-babies start whining.  If you can't take a joke...

Glorious Counter Revolution

'He's fat, he's got piles.  He's in the Epstein files.  Trump the cunt!  Trump the cunt!'  Ah, there are times I'm proud to be an Englishman - that has to be the chant of the 2026 World Cup.  Certainly it has got FIFA spooked, who have warned England fans that they could find themselves kicked out of stadiums if they keep singing it.  Let's hope for an England-USA final, which Trump would doubtless attend, forcing him to listen to the chant - maybe it will help keep him awake.  Actually, an England-USA final is my dream outcome for this World Cup, for many reasons.  If it happens then I sincerely hope that England fans turn up to the stadium dressed as Redcoats, I'd also hope that England would thrash the USA in this, their 250th anniversary year and that fans would celebrate by burning down the White House, (preferably with Trump in situ), in memory of the War of 1812.  In fact, maybe we could take such a situation as an opportunity to launch a counter-revolution in the US.  I mean, we've got all those football fans over there, perhaps we could get them to seize various strategic locations and raise the Union Jack over them.  Look, it shouldn't be difficult to persuade them to throw off the shackles of the evil despot Trump - face it, his popularity ratings are currently slightly below those of the Boston Strangler, but still marginally ahead of Jeffrey Dahmer - and come back into the warm embrace of the British fold.  Heck, we could offer them self-governing dominion status, like Canada, Australia and New Zealand had back in the days of Empire, so it wouldn't be a case of them reverting to being a colony.  They'd just have to accept that nice King Charles as head of state and some worthy political has-been as a governor.

Then, of course, we could start the Herculean task of re-educating Americans in order to rectify the lies perpetrated by their founding fathers.  Because folks, the US was founded on a lie: namely that the American revolution was an uprising against a despotic absolute monarch.  Except that George III, the monarch in question was, like every British monarch since the 'Glorious Revolution' and the reign of William and Mary, a constitutional monarch with very limited powers.  Sure, things could be done in the name of the King, but in reality true power lay with parliament - an elected body.  The real reason for the American Revolution was that a group of wealthy colonials decided that they didn't want to pay their fair share of the money required for the defence of the US from the French.  Because that was what the taxes they so objected to were intended to finance: Britain's defence of its empire and colonies during the Napoleonic Wars.  So they decided to rally the masses to their cause by perpetrating the lie that these were unjust taxes arbitrarily imposed by a despotic monarch.  'No taxation without representation'.  Except, of course, that they had representation via the fact that they could petition the UK's representative in the US, the governor, who was directly appointed by the UK government.  Not exactly democratic by modern standards, to be sure, but perfectly normal for the times and appropriate for the nascent US's status as a group of colonies.  Then, to add insult to injury, the perfidious Yanks aligned themselves with that scion of democracy, Napoleonic France.  (Not to forget their further act of perfidy when, in 1812, when we were in the middle of a crucial stage in the Napoleonic Wars, with British forces stretched to breaking point, they stabbed us in the back again by declaring war on us.  But we had the last laugh there as we set fire to the White House - that's why its white, they painted it to try and cover up the scorch marks).   So, there you go, World Cup commentary and a history lesson.  All together now: 'He's fat, he's got piles.  He's in the Epstein files...'

Death by Persuasion

I saw a headline the other day about some British dude who had been found guilty of trying to induce some American guy to commit suicide via the internet.  Now, on the face of it, this seemed like pretty heinous behaviour.  But then I got to thinking about it: just how heinous this is depends upon the potential victim.  i mean, if this British bloke was really skilled at persuading Yanks to top themselves, perhaps, instead of jail, we could set him to trying to persuade Trump, Vance, Hegseth et al to take their own lives.  That way, he'd be doing the world a favour and would deserve a medal.  Maybe even a knighthood.  Obviously, I don't know just how he does his persuasion - maybe he's just incredibly dull, with a droning voice which, after a few hours of him describing his collection of used bus tickets to them, would drive anyone to cut their own throat - but surely, in these days of defence spending cuts, he could be a huge national security asset.  Far cheaper than maintaining a nuclear deterrent, that's for sure.  Because maybe this is the way ahead for Labour in the whole defence spending debate - eschewing conventional weapons and warfare for an unorthodox approach that directly targets hostile leaders.  After all, it's not as if we're ill equipped as a nation in terms of individuals who can bore people, quite literally, to death: pubs are full of them and if that isn't enough, just read the comments section under the average online local newspaper story.

Why stop at natural bores and weirdo persuaders who can get people to kill themselves?   Why not go the full psychic warfare route?  We could really put all those cranks out there who claim to have 'special powers'.  Why not set up a programme to develop mutant powers, with Keir Starmer as Professor X, (he, after all, has well established powers to make peoples' beards spontaneously ignite, as Jeremy Corbyn found to his cost)?  Let's see, for instance, if Astral Projection might have offensive capabilities - maybe someone could project themselves to the White House and see if their astral body could throttle him to death while he slept.  Or get one of those 'firestarters' to burn down Mar-a-Lago remotely.  If we were really lucky, we might be able to identify some of those 'scanners', who can make heads explode.  The best thing about this approach is that there is no way that it could ever be proved that HMG was behind any of these assassinations or sabotages.  But why confine their use to overseas enemies?  After all, this could present the government with an ideal opportunity to deal with all those racist bigots and neo Nazis currently clogging up British politics.  If, for example, Rupert Lowe's head was suddenly to explode, nobody would suspect psychic foul play, instead it would just be put down to the result of a dangerous build up of internal hate and outrage.  Likewise, if Nigel Farage was to suddenly keel over clutching his chest as his heart was crushed by an astrally projected assassin, people would just put it down to a fatal heart attack, the result of his excessive drinking.  Damn it, the possibilities are endless!

Bring Back British Breeders

As it is all down to declining birth rates and an ageing population that we in the UK - and Europe, generally - need to have so many immigrant workers, you'd think that Nigel Farage would capitalise on this to try and propose a new policy that might be popular.  'Bring Back British Breeders' could be the new slogan as he and his merry crew of maladjusted pound shop fascists at Reform UK urge Britons to shag more.  Yes, indeed, that could be the new policy: 'Bonk for Britain' with Farage advocating more sex, perhaps even introducing weekly quotas for making love, accompanied by severe restrictions on the availability of contraceptives.  Because, obviously, this sex drive isn't about pleasure, but rather producing more babies - British babies.  Of course, if such a policy was to have any chance of succeeding in replenishing the ranks of true Brits, then there would also have to be measures introduced to ensure that the right people were having more sex.  For one thing, there could be compulsory contraception introduced for immigrants, Brits in mixed race relationships and non-white people in general - maybe there could be a 'colour chart' introduced for retailers of contraceptives to check the eligibility of those having them dispensed: the darker you are, the more you get.  

Of course, for such a policy to have maximum effect, heterosexual intercourse would have to be made compulsory and any form of same sex relationship outlawed - you can't have all that effort and semen being wasted on sexual activities that aren't going to produce babies.  Similarly, male masturbation will have to be closely monitored - if you want to knock one out then you'll have to do it into a test tube, which will then be sent off to a sperm bank.  Now, you ask, why would you need sperm banks if sex was made compulsory?  Well, let's not forget those lesbians who can no longer have sex with other women - well, if they refuse to 'convert', then you could have compulsory insemination.  Which would also be the case for chronically ugly women unable to attract a man.  Yes, I know this all sounds offensive, but that's Reform's trademark - normalising what initially seems unacceptable and turning it into policy.  Anyway, getting back to the policy proposal, to ensure maximum productivity, perhaps Farage might consider legalising polygamy.  Or maybe just encouraging everyone to do what hypocritical extreme right politicians do and simply have a dozen or so mistresses on shagging terms.  Maybe single women could be rounded up and put in 'Love camps', where they can be 'serviced' by members of the Reform UK youth wing.  You see, the possibilities are endless and I'll certainly be sending this policy initiative to Nigel Farage himself - I mean, a man prepared to exploit a murder in order to whip up racial hatred, division and social unrest would surely jump at the chance to embrace something that combines misogyny, racism, homophobia and ignorance in one package, would he?

The Portrait of Donald Trump

I caught a film called The Sins of Dorian Gray (1983) a while ago.   Obviously, it was a version of 'The Portrait of Dorian Gray', updated to the then present day and with the gender of the title character switched.  As updatings of oft-told tales go, it wasn't badly done, although suffering from the fact that it was made for TV with TV movie resources.  Instead of a portrait which ages instead of her, the protagonist, an actress, has an audition tape that takes on her age and depravities.  Which actually wasn't an original twist - Brian DePalma's Phantom of the Paradise (1975) used the same conceit with regard to Paul Williams' character.  Anyway, this got me to wondering whether Donald Trump has something similar going, but in reverse.  As he, quite literally, decomposes before our eyes, does he, perhaps, have a picture of himself in the attic that gets younger?  Because, if so, by now it must be slim, healthy looking and sporting a full head of hair.  The big question, though, is whether Trump's ability to be utterly self-serving and downright evil, is because he's been able to suppress completely his conscience and compassion, by transferring them to that picture: the more evil he is, the more physically ugly and completely repugnant his real self becomes and the more saintly that picture of him becomes.

Of course, the biggest question is, what happens to that picture when the real Trump finally dies?  Will it come to life and step out of its frame, a fully three dimensional, youthful Donald Trump, in perfect health, ready for another fifty or sixty years?  We'd hope, obviously, that bearing in mind that the picture had absorbed all of Trump's good side, that this would be a new, benign Donald Trump.  A Trump that gives away his money to good causes, fights against injustice and who is humble and modest.  Perhaps this Trump will also run for president - but as Democrat so far to the left that he makes Bernie Sanders look like Mussolini.  He could run of a platform of socialised health care, the expansion of welfare, workers' rights and racial equality.  Maybe he could be the friend of immigrants.  Maybe he could even win the Nobel Peace Prize legitimately, with his tireless work to promote peace instead of conflict, championing reductions in defence spending and nuclear disarmament.  Doubtless, he would be passionate about women's rights, gay, rights, trans rights, the whole damn lot.  In fact, he might even be gay himself.  Ah, a man can dream of a better future, even if it is unlikely to materialise, because, even if Trump does have that reverse Dorian Gray thing going on, there was so little good in him in the first place, his picture would, in reality, turn out stunted and under nourished, too weak to do anything.  But, like I said, a man can dream...

Human Slop

So, first of all it was to pay for his security, now it is a 'reward' for campaigning for Brexit.  Come on Nige, just tell us, once and for all, what was it really for?  I refer, of course, to that five million quid that was surreptitiously slipped to Nigel Farage in used fivers inside a crumpled brown envelope, in a deserted multi-storey car park at midnight, by some shady non-dom tech billionaire.  But at least we've established that it didn't pay for that house he bought in 2024 - that was apparently paid for with his fee from appearing in that reality TV show.  Mind you, we still haven't had any explanation as to how his girlfriend - that French fascist bird - was able to pay for that other house in Clacton-on-Sea, despite apparently not having any funds.  Obviously, the fact that she is being investigated by the EU over fraud allegations has nothing to do with it.  Just sayin'.  (As the fascist kiddies like to say on social media every time they post yet more defamatory misinformation).  But hey, Nigel Farage and his dodgy financial dealings aren't what I want to talk about today.  I actually want to talk about 'slop'.  Because, you know, I hear a lot of whining about 'AI slop', particularly on social media, amongst the would-be artistic types who use the alleged prevalence of AI generated content for their own lack of success, but the reality is that, particularly on You Tube, I encounter a lot of non-AI, human generated slop.  Some of it actually quite sinister.  You know the sort of stuff I mean: those videos, framed as nostalgia, going on about how much better Britain was way-back-when and how we need to get back to those good old fashioned conservative values.  The right-wing propaganda undertones should be obvious to a blind, deaf and dumb person it is so blatant.

Because this 'golden age' they all hark back to is inevitably portrayed as some soft-focus vision of a middle England predominantly populated by nice, middle class, people.  It's a world where the working classes know their place and immigrants are rightfully grateful for the opportunities afforded them by being generously allowed to tread foot on our hallowed shores.  It's all utter bollocks, of course.  But it's a pretty standard right-wing tactic - the creation of a fake past that has supposedly been corrupted by socialism, the welfare state, immigrants, single mothers or whatever, despite the fact that it never existed.  They juxtapose it with an equally distorted version of current reality - that civilisation is on the brink of collapse and that we're all going to be murdered in our beds by foreign criminal, out-of-control juvenile delinquents, militant drag queens or mad Islamic fundamentalist bastards.  Again, all utter bollocks.  I've heard all before over the past few decades - the tune remains the same, only the musicians and the medium of delivery change.  Anyway, what set me off on this particular journey of ranting was one of these videos which popped up my You Tube homepage, promising to tell me why people were so much happier in the 1970s.  Now, I lived through the seventies, it was the decade I grew up in  and I can assure you that people were no happier then than they are now.  In fact, I recall much of the seventies being utterly miserable, characterised by lengthy industrial disputes which resulted in power cuts, refuse not being collected, transport grinding to a halt and so on.  On top of that, OPEC ensured that oil prices soared, resulting in fuel rationing.  Inflation was rampant, unemployment rising.  Sound familiar?  Yeah, some things never change, do they?

But let's humour these bozos and pretend that people were happier then - why might that have been?  Well, maybe it was down to the fact that, despite all the problems and industrial disputes, we still had extensive and functioning public services.  Perhaps it was because, back then, if you had the misfortune to have to claim benefits, you weren't treated like a criminal.  Then again, maybe it was because we still had the prospect of full employment, although Thatcher, when she arrived in 1979, put paid to that. Our utilities and key industries hadn't been sold off to offshore investors who took their profits away from the UK - something else Thatcher put paid to.  But I can guarantee that the video in question didn't say any of those things, (I can't say for sure, because I didn't bother watching it, but I'm pretty damned confident based upon past experience), instead it no doubt harped on about some mythical golden age of 'community values' and low crime, ('you could go out and leave your doors unlocked' - I never knew anyone do this, if they did, it was only because they were so poor they had nothing worth stealing).  Doubtless, this all ended because of immigration, too much liberalism, the end of corporal punishment in schools, etc.  Ignoring the reality that any 'community values' were based around the post-war settlement and the creation of the welfare state - something that the sort of politicians those who make these videos destroyed.  If people are nostalgic for the seventies it was because, thanks to Keynsian economics and the welfare state, living standards had improved and people across society were, in general, better off than they had ever been before.  So, yeah, to get back to the point - human, or rather quasi-fascist, generated slop.

The Displaced Dump

I can't deny that when I saw those tabloid headlines today about the former Prince Andrew being chased around his home by a masked man, I simply assumed that this was another revelation from the Epstein files.  I mean, there seems to be no limit to the sort of kinkiness the Epstein crowd got up to, so male rape fantasies would be no surprise at all.  But no, it turns out that it happened only recently and that the guy in the balaclava has been arrested.  Then we have this business about FBI director Kash Patel forcing staff to take lie detector tests in order to ascertain who it is that keeps leaving those huge floaters in his private toilet.  Apparently, it has been going on for weeks, but Patel finally snapped when the perpetrator left a huge turd in the wash basin.  Of course, staff at FBI headquarters know that it is actually Patel himself who is doing the shitting - but he's too drunk to remember his own unsanitary exploits.  He's allegedly drinking a whole case of his own brand vodka - the one which carries the FBI badge on its labels - every day.  So, he's wandering around the FBI building pointing at random people and bellowing 'It was you, wasn't it?  You keep shitting in my bathroom and not flushing!'  But he becomes ever more frustrated as, every time someone is wired up to the polygraph and asked if they did it, they reply 'I did not shit in the director's bathroom' and pass the test.  The continued denials simply reinforce his obsession with pinning his own toilet crimes on someone else.

It's all reminiscent of when Boris Johnson was PM and kept trying to blame his chronic farting on other cabinet members - usually Michael Gove, who, everyone agrees, looks like the sort who would fart furtively in public.  Johnson even kept up the pretence when he broke wind so violently in a cabinet meeting that he blew a hole in his trousers and followed through - he rushed from the room, stained trousers in tatters, before returning trouserless, with a towel wrapped around his waist, pointing at Rishi Sunak and shouting 'You filthy bastard!  I've told you before to go outside before you do that!'  Much to relief of Gove, who had himself just released a sneaky one cheek lift fart under cover of Johnson's ear-splitting postern blast.  Johnson, though, was knowingly practicing a deception, attempting, as ever, to deflect blame for his own uncivilised behaviour, whereas Kash Patel is seemingly oblivious to his own disgusting misconduct.  But just why is Patel shitting in his own bathroom, not flushing or even sometimes not even using the correct receptacle for his bowel movements?  And why is he apparently oblivious of his own unacceptable behaviour?  Could it be that is a sign of his subconscious self-loathing?  That at some level he is aware of the fact that he is completely unqualified for the office he holds and is seen by others as a drunken incompetent?  So, he literally shits on one of the symbols of his conscious self's success - the private FBI director's bathroom, with its gold fittings?  Just what, one wonders, would his predecessor and founding director of the FBI J. Edgar Hoover make of it all?  Hoover, after all, merely dressed in women's clothes and pursued homosexual affair with his assistant while publicly persecuting homosexuals and other alleged 'deviants'.  He never took a shit in his own sink.

The Alien Files

So, Trump's latest ploy to distract from the Epstein files is to announce that he's going to order the relevant US departments to publicly reveal what they know about aliens.  Or is it just a ploy?  Is he hoping that in these 'Alien Files' there will be documents, better still photos, implicating previous presidents, preferably Democrats, in having sexual relations with underage aliens.  Hell, they wouldn't even have to be underage, (although what that would mean in alien terms is anybody's guess - if, for instance, they had average lifespans of five hundred of our years, then maybe shagging a forty year old alien would constitute peadophilia), as they aren't human, then perhaps having relations with even an adult alien might, under existing law, constitute bestiality.  Who knows?  Anyway, some photographic evidence of, say Joe Biden, enjoying an alien anal probe, or Jimmy Carter being pleasured in every orifice by a multi-penised alien with genitalia like tentacles, would be pretty damning stuff and would definitely divert attention from Trump and his Epstein connection.  Of course, there'd always be the risk that Trump himself could turn up in the files - I mean, what's the betting that Epstein had some kind of deal going with aliens in order to furnish him with an 'Epstein Planet' where all human - not to mention alien - depravities could be indulged.  Maybe the aliens were shapeshifters, even, able to take the form of thirteen year old girls, so that sex with them, technically, wouldn't be illegal as they were actually adults, not to mention not human.

Of course, it could all be a cunning ruse by Trump, who, as president, would obviously know that Roswell, Area 51, alien abductions and the like are all utter bollocks and there are no files to back any of it up, but by calling for their disclosure, he's trying to deflect attention from the fact that, somewhere in the Epstein files, there is evidence of him shagging aliens.  Maybe there really is a super-secret US government establishment where captured aliens are kept for study, (with Area 51 simply being a disinformation operation to distract the conspiracy nutters), and there is video footage of Trump raping an unconsenting alien.  Because, if he really is the colossal and degenerate pervert that he is claimed to be, then you can guarantee that, if he ever heard of the existence of a real live captive alien, he'd want to have sex with it.  Maybe he'd see it as the ultimate, out-of-this-world shag that only the presidency could buy. And if such footage did exist, then you can guarantee that billionaire sex offender Epstein would have gotten his hands on it to use for the purposes of blackmailing the Trump administration into protecting him.  Which was doubtless why he had to be murdered while he was in prison.  So maybe this alien file release is really a distraction within a distraction within a diversion.  

Deportation De Luxe

So, here's the latest from the whacky world of Trumpland (as he will doubtless insist the US be re-christened before his term is out) - a leased luxury jet used to ferry the Homeland Security head, Kirsti Noem, around is to be bought outright and used for deportation flights.  At least, that's the administration's justification for spending $70 million on a private Boeing 737.  Of course, they also say, it will still be used as an executive transport when it isn't shuttling Noem around.  But hey, let's give those sons of fun the benefit of the doubt for a while - maybe they are on to something here: letting deportees travel in style.  Because, after all, surely that's the reason that all these illegals Trump wants to kick out of the US sneaked in there in the first place - they came from what Trump himself described as 'shit holes'.  Which, naturally, is why they are reluctant to be deported.  Indeed, why would anyone want to swap the luxury lifestyle provided by a low-paid, exploitative and undocumented job with no health benefits or pension in the US for a life of abject poverty and political repression in some 'shit hole'?  So why not incentivise deportation?  Guarantee them that, at the very least, they'll get a few hours of executive travel experience on the jet taking them back?  Lay on the booze, the gourmet food and the girls for their return trip.  They'll be queuing up to get on that 737, believe me.

But why not take it a step further?  Don't just promise them a luxury ride back home - why not also promise a luxury home to return to?  That could be the solution to the whole immigration business - the Trump Corporation could maybe start buying land in those countries it is sending most of the immigrants back to and build luxury condominiums there to house the returning deportees.  They could be part of huge luxury resorts, which would provide work for those same deportees.  Again, they wouldn't have to send those ICE thugs out to hunt down illegals - they'd be queuing up to be deported.   OK, there might be some resistance from the countries involved, (although these resorts and condos could be presented as investments in their economies), but then the US could maybe go to Plan B.  Way back when, they established that homeland for freed slaves in Africa, which became Liberia.  Well, why not do the same now?  Create a luxury free homeland for the deported?  Maybe that's what Trump's peace plan for Gaza is really about: kicking out the Palestinians, levelling the place and building a deportee paradise?  These ideas have many potential benefits, not least that, if you are sending immigrants off to a life of luxury, then that should undercut any domestic protests about the issue.  I mean, who could possibly object to the idea of, quite literally, sending them to a better place?  Mind you, if this was all a success, you'd probably then have people from developed countries getting on small boats and trying to illegally enter these luxury deportee havens...

Cranking Up the Hate

I've speculated here before on the levels of outrage and hate that the right-wing media seem to be trying to drive their readers toward with their rabid headlines.  The question is, how can those of us who still live in the rational world turn this to our advantage?  After all, such headlines must surely be pushing the blood pressures of the average Daily Mail-reading proto-fascist to potentially fatal levels.  I mean, bearing in mind that so many of them are elderly or grossly overweight and subsisting on a diet of pure fat, it can surely only be a matter of time before they start suffering massive coronaries as they read the latest made-up story about illegal immigrants raping white women or eating swans without the King's permission.  Just how much outrage can their cholesterol congested circulatory systems take before the inevitable happens?  I could even envisage a scenario where some of these arseholes become so enraged that their faces go puce-coloured, the veins on their necks and heads bulge and their eyes start popping out, before their whole head explodes, spattering their living room with their diseased brain matter.  So, rather than condemning the right-wing media for their constant stream of poisonous bile, perhaps we should be encouraging them to go further, to print ever more outrageous lies about immigrants, Muslims, gays, lesbians, trans people, single mother, benefits claimants, non-whites and anyone who votes Labour.  Maybe that's it - we need them to stoke up their vile readership's hate levels to maximum, in order to ensure that that their hearts and heads start exploding, thereby significantly whittling down the number of potential Reform UK voters.

But maybe we can go further.  Maybe we on the non-foaming-at-the-mouth-neo-Nazi-collective could start our own faux extreme right-wing media, peddling the most offensive and outrageous lies about all of the usual hate targets in order to try and push those blood pressures up to breaking point.  While the kind of stuff that the current right-wing media puts out might be hateful, it is usually, to some extent, constrained by some sorts of boundaries of decency and lip service to the notion of 'journalistic integrity', such false media as I'm proposing could go the whole hog.  There'd be, I'm sure, a guaranteed readership - all those right-wingers who want to go beyond the mundane hate purveyed by the likes of the Mail, the Express, the Telegraph and GB News.  The ones who want the 'hard stuff', who crave to read about how Britain is wrecked due to rampant immigration and unbridled socialism, who want to hear how every crime is committed by black people, Muslims or, failing that, working class benefits claimants, the one who need their ignorant bigotry and biases confirmed on an hourly basis.  These are the sort of people who will lap up headlines like 'Immigrants ate my twelve year old daughter's pussy', (it was apparently  black and white and the bastards skinned it before frying it and serving it up for dinner).  Because that's the sort of direction we have to go in if we're to get their hardened arteries over the line into the heart attack danger zone, as, like drug addicts, they need their hits of hate ever stronger to fuel that outraged reaction.  Before long, we'll have the bastards dropping like flies, depriving the likes of Fartage and 'Tommy Robinson' of their potential base of supporters.  Hate, hate, hate!  It's what sells newspapers!

Drug King Trump?

It's all about oil, or so they say.  Trump's illegal attack on Venezuela and the kidnapping of its president, that is.  But I think that's just a blind, a diversionary tactic.  I think that it is actually about drugs.  Let's not forget that, in the build up to this outrageous breach of international law, Trump and his cronies were justifying the sinking of fishing boats off the Venezuelan coast with the claim that they were actually smuggling drugs to the US.  According to the criminal consortium in Washington, Venezuela was a 'narco-state', funded by the export of drugs and presided over by President Maduro, who was in cahoots with a drug cartel.  But notice how all that drugs talk has gone quiet since the US started 'running' Venezuela?  They have even backed off from the claim that Maduro was collaborating with a cartel.  In fact, they are even trying to say now that the specific cartel they named, doesn't actually exist!  Instead, they are now focusing on extorting oil from Venezuela, which will be exported to the US for free, then 'sold' by Trump himself!  But what if those barrels of 'oil' were in fact stuffed with drugs and that this was the plan all along - to tap into those tons of drugs the US previously claimed that Venezuela was manufacturing and exporting?  A supply of drugs worth millions, going directly into the control of Donald Trump!  I know, I know.  It sounds fantastic, but bear with me here.

Key to this plot is US Secretary of State Marco Rubio who, as a teenager, apparently helped his late brother-in-law with his exotic pet import business, A business that was actually a front for importing narcotics into the US via Florida.  It's true.  Check it out.  Now, nobody is saying that Rubio was aware of this at the time, but it is fair to say that was being paid with the proceeds of illegal drug smuggling, wittingly or other wise.  But maybe, just maybe, this is where the genesis for this latest scheme lies, just with barrels of oil substituting for crates full of parakeets and monkeys.  But just why would the Trump administration be interested in importing vast supplies of illegal narcotics while officially condemning the drug trade and those who import them into the US?  Personally, I think that they intend releasing huge quantities of cheap gear into the poorest districts of the US, targeting immigrant populations, with the aim of killing as many of them as possible with overdoses.  They'll doubtless also target the poorest US citizens, not to get them to OD, but to get them sufficiently hooked that they'll effectively become slaves, willing to do anything for their officially supplied US narcotics.  Look, it all makes sense: they've been laying the groundwork for this scheme with their cuts to Federal funding of community health projects, like drug rehabilitation clinics.  Moreover, what do you think all those masked ICE thugs are really doing in inner city areas?  They are quite obviously gearing up to start dealing drugs to the poor and immigrants.  Believe me, this what is really happening in the US!  They've already eliminated one group of rival drug importers by sinking those Venezuelan boats.  It also explains Trump's threats to intervene in Colombia and Mexico - to secure further large scale drug supplies in order to keep his evil scheme of subjugation through narcotics going!  Remember, you heard it here first!

(Any resemblance to the plot of the 1973 film version of Live and Let Die is purely intentional).

Nazi Bastard's Schooldays

"It's absolutely outrageous to suggest that, when at school, I ever referred to any fellow students who happened to be Jewish as 'Shylock'," declared far-right MP and leader of the Regressive UK party Noel Fromage today, as he defended himself against allegations from fellow schoolmates that, when a pupil at exclusive private school Dullard College, he had engaged in racist language and abused and intimidated students from minorities with praise for Adolf Hitler and his works.  "Look, as everyone who knows me will tell you, there's no way that I'd call some Jewboy a 'Shylock' - every educated person knows that the correct anti-Semitic term is 'Kike'.  Just as I most certainly wouldn't have called a black boy in my year a 'wog' - that term is more correctly used against Arabs.  For blacks it should be 'Nig Nog' or similar, while 'wop' is reserved for Italians, 'Dago' for Spaniards and 'spics' for Hispanic types in general.  Really, these things should be included in the National Curriculum to ensure that today's youth is properly educated in such matters."  According to Fromage, even if he had used such terminology it would only have been 'harmless schoolboy banter' of the kind heard in playgrounds up and down the country to this day.  "None of it was intended to directly offend and insult," he claimed.  "It was all meant in jest, you know, like when you call a chap with glasses 'four eyes' or someone with a prominent proboscis 'big nose'.  All quite harmless.  Or it would have been if I'd actually said it, which I most probably didn't.  I mean, who could possibly remember what was said to them forty or more years ago, especially if it was a harmless bit of racist abuse spoken in jest?"

Fromage has also been accused of parading around in an SS uniform at meetings of the school's Combined Cadet Forces (CCF) and attending a Christmas party dressed as Hitler.  "It wasn't even a fancy dress party," recalls Jim Chunk, who was in the year below the MP at Dullard College.  "He just turned up dressed in a Nazi uniform, with a smudge of black boot polish just under his nose.  He goose-stepped about and threw Nazi salutes, shouting 'Sieg Heil' at everyone."  In another Christmas related incident, Fromage allegedly worked part-time in a Santa's grotto one Christmas while in sixth form.  "He thought it hilarious to pull off his Santa hat and beard, to reveal that he was wearing that fake Hitler moustache again, not to mention an Iron Cross, throw a Nazi salute and shout 'Goodwill to all men, except the Jews and the wogs!' or 'Gas a Jew for Christmas!', while laughing uproariously," claims Chunk.  "There were complaints from parents when it turned out that the presents he handed out to kiddies, when unwrapped, turned out to be copies of Mein Kampf."  Again, Fromage has denied the allegations, calling them 'gross exaggerations' of the truth.  "I won't deny that I liked dressing up - lots of teenagers do. Nowadays, they'd just call it 'cosplay'," he asserted.  "It would also be completely inaccurate to describe the uniform I wore to the CCF as an SS uniform - it was quite clearly a Panzer Division tank commander's uniform.  People really need to educate themselves on such things.  I really don't see what the fuss is about - these days you have boys attending school in bloody dresses and full make up, for God's sake and nobody bats an eyelid.  Now, that's outrageous, if you ask me."  Fromage also batted away criticisms of his boyhood admiration of Hitler.  "Look, people fixate far too much on his politics - if you can get beyond that, then I think you'll find that he was actually a fascinating and talented chap - have you seen his watercolours, for instance?" he asks, adding that, as an adult, he obviously no longer idolises the Nazi dictator.  "Clearly, since then, I've broadened my education of art and, whilst still appreciating his works, realise that there are far better artists out there."

The Musk of X Sex

Recently, I've found myself going back to that post I wrote last year about Elon Musk and his apparent desire to take physical intimacy and human interaction out of sex.  Actually, that was just a sort of footnote to the post and for some reason, it has stayed with me, expanding itself in my subconscious before beginning to bubble up into my conscious thoughts.  Originally, I had briefly mooted the idea of Musk creating sex robots with which men like him could have remote sex with women, experiencing the act via a brain implant linked to the sexbot.  But why should it have to be some kind of autonomous robot (unless you really want to enact rape fantasies without fear of consequences, of course, by sending it out anonymously to have unconsenting sex with random women)?  Couldn't it be some kind of advanced exoskeleton?  A shiny metal suit which makes the wearer an unstoppable sex machine?  Except that this would be technologically advanced sex.  Techno sex, if you will, or perhaps X-sex, with each exoskeleton having, instead of genitalia, docking ports where they can literally 'couple up', with the real genitalia beneath being artificially stimulated by the suits to the point of orgasm.  The system could guarantee, for instance, that both participants could climax simultaneously, while, via those brain implants, both parties would have the option of experiencing it all from either or both perspectives.

Now, bearing in mind Musk's public proclamations on the subject, I think that we can assume that the suits will be strictly gendered, with a 'male' version sold exclusively to alpha males, featuring a telescopic (and sizeable) 'probe' which will shoot out and 'dock' with a matching socket in the groin area of the 'female' suit.  Thus, these suits could be a step toward Musk's dream of eliminating the whole idea of transgender identities.  Only biological men can obtain the 'male' suit and only biological women the 'female' suit, so that the only form of sex available will be of the heterosexual variety - and let's face it, this cyber-sex will be so fantastic that nobody will want to do it any other way, so guy-on-girl will be the only game in town.  It won't just be the transgender community excluded, either.  With the 'male' exoskeleton having no anus equivalent, gay sex will be out, while there will be no way for 'female' suits to couple up, thereby taking care of lesbianism.  Ultimately, I'm sure that Musk would see these exoskeletons merely as a step on the path to fully integrating man and machine, with the ultimate goal being human brains transplanted into metal bodies, only able to perform techno-sex.  Which would also eliminate the need for reproduction, as these new cyborgs would effectively be immortal, able to enjoy eternity as one long orgy of technologically enhanced sex. 

I'm sure, though, that eventually someone would find a way to modify the devices to make same sex cyber relations possible.  By swapping around those genital units, so that people could effectively change sex, by making a 'male' suit 'female' and vice versa, a form of techno gender reassignment.  All of which would, no doubt, drive Musk to apoplexy, with scenes of him running around smashing up modified suits with a hammer.