Glorious Counter Revolution

'He's fat, he's got piles.  He's in the Epstein files.  Trump the cunt!  Trump the cunt!'  Ah, there are times I'm proud to be an Englishman - that has to be the chant of the 2026 World Cup.  Certainly it has got FIFA spooked, who have warned England fans that they could find themselves kicked out of stadiums if they keep singing it.  Let's hope for an England-USA final, which Trump would doubtless attend, forcing him to listen to the chant - maybe it will help keep him awake.  Actually, an England-USA final is my dream outcome for this World Cup, for many reasons.  If it happens then I sincerely hope that England fans turn up to the stadium dressed as Redcoats, I'd also hope that England would thrash the USA in this, their 250th anniversary year and that fans would celebrate by burning down the White House, (preferably with Trump in situ), in memory of the War of 1812.  In fact, maybe we could take such a situation as an opportunity to launch a counter-revolution in the US.  I mean, we've got all those football fans over there, perhaps we could get them to seize various strategic locations and raise the Union Jack over them.  Look, it shouldn't be difficult to persuade them to throw off the shackles of the evil despot Trump - face it, his popularity ratings are currently slightly below those of the Boston Strangler, but still marginally ahead of Jeffrey Dahmer - and come back into the warm embrace of the British fold.  Heck, we could offer them self-governing dominion status, like Canada, Australia and New Zealand had back in the days of Empire, so it wouldn't be a case of them reverting to being a colony.  They'd just have to accept that nice King Charles as head of state and some worthy political has-been as a governor.

Then, of course, we could start the Herculean task of re-educating Americans in order to rectify the lies perpetrated by their founding fathers.  Because folks, the US was founded on a lie: namely that the American revolution was an uprising against a despotic absolute monarch.  Except that George III, the monarch in question was, like every British monarch since the 'Glorious Revolution' and the reign of William and Mary, a constitutional monarch with very limited powers.  Sure, things could be done in the name of the King, but in reality true power lay with parliament - an elected body.  The real reason for the American Revolution was that a group of wealthy colonials decided that they didn't want to pay their fair share of the money required for the defence of the US from the French.  Because that was what the taxes they so objected to were intended to finance: Britain's defence of its empire and colonies during the Napoleonic Wars.  So they decided to rally the masses to their cause by perpetrating the lie that these were unjust taxes arbitrarily imposed by a despotic monarch.  'No taxation without representation'.  Except, of course, that they had representation via the fact that they could petition the UK's representative in the US, the governor, who was directly appointed by the UK government.  Not exactly democratic by modern standards, to be sure, but perfectly normal for the times and appropriate for the nascent US's status as a group of colonies.  Then, to add insult to injury, the perfidious Yanks aligned themselves with that scion of democracy, Napoleonic France.  (Not to forget their further act of perfidy when, in 1812, when we were in the middle of a crucial stage in the Napoleonic Wars, with British forces stretched to breaking point, they stabbed us in the back again by declaring war on us.  But we had the last laugh there as we set fire to the White House - that's why its white, they painted it to try and cover up the scorch marks).   So, there you go, World Cup commentary and a history lesson.  All together now: 'He's fat, he's got piles.  He's in the Epstein files...'