Political Puppets

So, where is Mitch McConnell, the right-wing US Republican Senator and Trump enabler?  You know the guy - he's about three hundred years old and looks like a startled turtle that just been evicted from its shell.  Well, he hasn't been seen in an age - he's allegedly in hospital recovering from a fall, but, increasingly, people are suspecting that he's actually dead and has been for some time.  Some people claim to have spoken to him on the phone and his family has released some highly dubious 'proof-of-life' photos of him in hospital.  But with modern AI, that sort of thing can easily be faked.  Assuming that he is brown bread, why is everyone so reluctant to admit it?  Personally, I think that they are stalling in the hope that they can, in some way, resurrect him in order to keep up the Republican numbers in the Senate.  What form such a resurrection could take is the question, though.  Obviously, conventional medical attempts must already have failed - there's only so many times you can put thirty thousand volts through someone's heart without response before you have to concede that they are stone cold dead.  So, it is clear that unconventional measures will have to be employed.  They could, of course, go down the Frankenstein route and try massive multiple organ transplants to get him going again.  The problem with that lies in the sourcing of the organs as rejection is always a possibility.  They've doubtless learned from that fiasco with the late right-wing talkshow host Rush Limbaugh - there was an attempt to bring him back from the dead through simultaneous multiple organ transplants shortly after his demise.  The only fresh organs they could come up with at short notice were from a recently deceased young black man.  Limbaugh survived the operation and even revived, but he just seemed to know that he had the organs of a black person inside of him and rejected them in spectacular fashion - he literally exploded!

But what are the other options for brining McConnell back from the dead?  Well, there's always that old favourite, the Voodoo route.  Now, strictly speaking, this wouldn't bring him back to life, but rather see him raised from the dead as a zombie.  Which could have its advantages, from a political point of view, as a zombie McConnell would be completely compliant to the orders of his master.  Just the sort of Republican congressman that Trump likes.  Of course, there are those who might worry about the idea of a zombie McConnell, fearing that he'd start rampaging through congress, cracking open colleagues' heads and feasting on their brains, (although, some would argue, he'd probably starve if relied solely upon congress for his diet).  But it's only movie zombies that do that sort of stuff - traditional zombies created through Haitian Voodoo rites are compliant, slow-moving and rarely violent.  So, who knows, perhaps even now there are a bunch of Voodoo priests dancing around his hospital room, performing all sorts of arcane occult rites.  After all, if we're to believe Trump and Vance, the US is already infested with pet-eating Haitians, so by the law of averages, some of them would have to be well versed in Voodoo.  Personally, though, I think that they are going to go for the puppet option.  That's right, they're going to turn McConnell's dead body into a life size puppet.  That's why the delay and all the secrecy - they have to embalm him first, then replace his skeleton with a jointed metal framework, then work on attaching the strings, so that he can be manipulated like a puppet in a sixties Gerry Anderson TV series.  It wouldn't be the first time, although previous attempts have been somewhat less sophisticated - they apparently kept the Queen Mother going for several years as a simple puppet, with a stick up her arse operating her head and mouth, and a couple of sticks operating her hands, Muppet-style - she was always seen standing behind a balcony so they didn't have to worry about making her walk.  

Now, I know what you are going to say: 'Why didn't they do the same thing with Senator Graham instead of annoincing his death?'  Which is a fair question.  But there's an obvious answer: Graham's death was sudden, coming out of the blue, without a lengthy hospital stay to use as cover.  The same sort of thing happened with Princess Diana - there was just so much press attention surrounding her sudden death in a car crash that the authorities were forced to admit that she was dead almost immediately.  Believe me, if they'd had the chance of engineering a long hospital stay, then she'd still be with us today, jerkily wandering around on walkabouts, an embalmed smile permanently on her face, but posing no threat of embarassment to the Royal Family as she'd at last be completely under official control.