Investing in Democracy?

With their opinion poll lead slipping, there are claims that the Conservative party is secretly examining alternative poll strategies. "It's quite clear that actually laying out policies isn't going down too well with the electorate - particularly as they are really crap policies," opines top political journalist Arthur Tipdock. "The best that David Cameron has come up with recently are yet more attacks on single parents and a phoney war on completely made up stories about health and safety gone mad." Consequently, the Tories are now rumoured o be looking into Afghan President Karzai's successful strategy in the recent elections in Afghanistan. "This whole idea of 'buying' the entire votes of villages and families plays well to core Conservative values of community and family," says Tipdock. "The slogans write themselves - 'The family that votes together stays together', for instance!" Tory think tanks are also believed to have been enthused by the idea of applying the concept of the market to voting. "Why should people give up one of their most precious commodities on the basis of mere promises?" asks Professor Dick Stroker of the Institute of Furtive Studies. "Why shouldn't they be able to put a real hard value on their vote, selling it to the highest bidder? After all, it doesn't go against democratic principles - surely the party able to stump up the most cash is the one most serious about taking power. They'd be quite literally investing in the democratic process."

However, it is believed that, despite its impressive array of wealthy foreign donors, the many senior Conservatives doubt that the party has the financial resources to be sure of actually buying an entire general election. "Let's not forget that there's also the risk of electoral fraud," notes Tipdock. "Thanks to the secret ballot, people could take the Tories' money and still vote for someone else! It is quite shocking the way the government have rigged the whole electoral process against the opposition in this way!" Various alternative funding schemes have apparently been considered, but once again, these look to be thwarted by unfair government legislation. "It seems quite clear that these new restrictions on MPs expenses has been designed to hobble our chances at the next election," declares Professor Stroker. "Apparently, under the new rules, you can't claim for buying votes! It's quite outrageous - what else are those expenses meant for? Paying your gardener? Buying hookers? Quite ridiculous!" It isn't just the new election strategy which the new rules on expenses have derailed. According to some sources, shadow chancellor George Osbourne has been forced to shelve a policy announcement in which he was due to describe how he would finance an economic recovery by claiming it on his expenses.