The Sleaze Winterval Appeal 2009

As the Christmas lights in my local town centre were officially switched on today - accompanied by an unheralded firework display which startled the shit out of me as I sat watching Home and Away, I thought that Chicken Kong, the really crap movie monster, had returned to ravage the town again, or that an alien invasion had started - I thought that it might be a good time to launch this year's Sleaze Winterval Appeal. After all, although it's still only the middle of November, the festive season already seems to be in full swing, with most shops now festooned with tinsel and fir trees. Damn it, not only has that Christmas shop full of festive tat already appeared, (do they actually rent those premises, or do they just wait for a shop to fall vacant around this time of year and break in, figuring that by the time the lease holders have gone to court it will be January and they'll have moved on?), but Santa and his reindeer will be visiting the shopping centre next Sunday! Still,I suppose he has to start his personal appearances early - there are a lot of shopping centres to cover and he still has to prepare for his Christmas deliveries.

Anyway, getting back to the Winterval Appeal, this year I thought that maybe we could do something for the homeless. Clearly buying the Big Issue from down and outs, or simply giving them money doesn't work. They're still bloody there the next day. Not that I'm a Daily Mail reader who thinks that these guys are all professional beggars, mind you. However, I couldn't help but notice several of my local homeless beggars surreptitiously talking on mobile phones recently. Obviously, hand sets are very cheap and pay as you go schemes make getting connected simple and inexpensive. Nevertheless, I was struck by the fact that their phones were all much higher spec than mine - you'd think that if you were homeless, you'd only need the basic functions. But back to the appeal. Clearly, giving them money is pointless, it just gets spent on booze, drugs and premium porn lines. They need to be helped to help themselves. What these people need are homes, so I'm proposing that we help them build their own homes. Nothing grand, mind you. Just giving them the materials to build themselves a basic shelter. So, that's what I'm proposing - that every time you see a homeless person you chuck a brick at them. Trust me, if only a few people a day carried out this act of charity, within a week the average beggar would have enough bricks to build themselves a modest hovel to protect them from the elements. There you have it - this Winterval just throw a brick at a beggar. You know it makes sense!