Tuned In and Turned On

Just what is it that stir’s your love juices when you’re watching TV. Come on, you know we’re talking about - most blokes of a certain age can surely recall eagerly sitting through episodes of The Sweeney in the 1970s waiting for that occaisional topless scene, the flash of exposed nipple which would give you the horn, right there on the sofa! Remember how you had to use a strategically placed copy of TV Times or Look In to conceal your tumescent tent pole? And how you had to scuttle off, doubled up, to the toilet for a quick wank to relieve all that pent-up sexual frustration? Ah, those were the days, when the most satisfying moments of your adolescent life involved squeezing a spot or tossing off over the lingerie pages in your mum’s latest Marshall Ward mail-order catalogue. Personally, I can remember getting quite aroused at a very early age by the sight of Diana Rigg being tied to some railway track in an episode of The Avengers, thereby leading to a lifelong interest in bondage.

So, exactly what is it that you get your todger out to on the telly? Maybe its a particular presenter - I’ve heard that Penny Smith on breakfast television provides some ‘morning glory’ for many viewers, whilst TV chef Delia Smith, forever extolling the virtues of ‘cooking’ for one, has caused a few yolks to be spilt - or a particular series which provides good ensemble inspiration for masturbatory fantasies - Baywatch, perhaps? Perhaps its all those golden-skinned girls in their tight tops in those Australian soaps that make you spill your love porridge all over the screen. For many it might be a particular feature film which, when seen in the privacy of your own living room, has you reaching for the tissue box. Basic Instinct - a film which apparently had cinema ceilings dripping with jism - has also resulted in a few unsightly stains on sofas up and down the country when shown on ITV and Channel Five. But ladies, don’t feel left out! We want to hear what it is that gets you doing the two-fingered slot rhumba - is it the sight of Kirk Douglas’s leathery arse (flashed at the camera in just about every film he’s made since 1968), or his son Micheal’s increasingly wrinkly backside (flashed at the camera in just about every film he’s made)? Perhaps you’ve injured your neck craning to see if you can catch a glimpse of the young Donald Sutherland’s silent flute in Don’t Look Now? Or maybe its Sean Connery’s hairy chest - there’s no accounting for taste.

Whatever it is that does it for you, we want to know. Just list your top five TV treats which stir your trousers or part the red sea (depending on your gender) and send them to us - if they match the top five compiled by our panel of top TV wankers, including Jimmy Saville, Noel Edmonds and Timmy Mallett, you could (but probably won’t) win a fabulous monkey picture from the editor’s extensive collection. (But remember, bona fide porn flicks like Erotic Inferno, The Opening of Misty Beethoven or anything with John Holmes, Linda Lovelace, Mary Millington or Robin Askwith in, doesn’t count).