The Real Naked Chef

Whilst cookery programmes presented by celebrity chefs are currently riding high in the TV ratings, one of Britain’s top cooks has launched a scathing attack on them. Speaking from the kitchen of his restaurant 'Hootchie Cootchie’s' in Mill Hill, Percy Lingham told us that he thought the current generation of TV chefs were 'pretentious pillocks' who have totally lost touch with real life. “They spend too much time affecting working-class accents and pretending to be ordinary geezers, when they are actually middle class ponces on a massive ego-trip, mincing around the kitchen saying ‘look how macho I am - this antique pepper mill is almost as big as my knob!’” he ranted. “That Jamie Oliver bloke is one of the worst - I mean, he calls himself the naked chef and never gets his kit off - tosser!” Lingham firmly believes that cookery should go back to basics. “Those kitchens they cook in, they’re just too clean, nothing like real kitchens - I blame the health and safety Nazis, they’ve made it all too sterile!” Lingham suspects that his outspoken criticisms have led to him being shunned by television producers.

However, many will remember his only appearance on a celebrity edition of the popular Ready, Steady, Cook, where he quickly became drunk on cooking sherry. When he ran out of seasoning, he shocked his celebrity partner, some skinny blonde bint from Holby City, by urinating in the casserole. He then proceeded to stir the soup with his John Thomas after he had mislaid his ladle. “Luckily it wasn’t too hot, or I could have suffered some nasty blistering”, he recalls. Finally, he challenged the other guest chef, manic slaphead Ainsley Harriot, to get his banging stick out and see how fast he could 'whip up a fanny batter' on hostess Fern Britten. “Everybody goes on about what a whopper he’s got in his pants - personally I reckon he just shoves a cheese grater down there to impress the ladies! I noticed that he wouldn’t get it out when I gave him the chance!” At this point Lingham was ejected from the studio by security guards.

Lingham has tried to put his cookery credo into practice at 'Hootchie Cootchie’s' - his kitchen is simple and down-to-earth, with cracked tiles and layers of grease. He eschews the use of modern disinfectants and kitchen cleaners, believing them to be environmentally harmful and “down right unnatural”. The unorthodox gourmet usually cooks in the nude, thereby avoiding any germs from being carried on his clothes. “A few people have complained about finding the odd stray pube in their lasagne but, like I tell them, its all good roughage.” There is nothing pretentious about the food Lingham prepares. “Too many of these celebrity chefs carry on as if they are creating a work of art. I’ve no time for that kind of bollocks”. Lingham is proud of the fact that his restaurant has been closed down by the Environmental Health Agency three times in the last six months - once after a mass outbreak of food poisoning. “They were puking and crapping all over the place!” he informed us. “I blame modern preservatives. That’s the first and last time I use’em.” Health Inspectors, however, believe that it may have had more to do with Lingham’s using his arse to crimp the pastry on a batch of steak and kidney pies.