Mad, Bad and Undercover

Britain's intelligence community has been rocked by a new scandal, after an inside source - known only as Deep Stomach - revealed that at least two senior members of the Ministry of Defence's Defence Intelligence Staff (DIS) were certifiably insane, their bizarre antics threatening the nation's security. White bearded Adam Shaw joined the DIS after an illustrious career in the Royal Navy, during which he was accredited with sinking more ships than any other living officer - unfortunately all were sunk in peacetime and all belonged to the British Navy. In the DIS he quickly found himself in charge of analysing foreign defence. He soon became famous in the international intelligence community for his drinking exploits. However, he always maintained that his drinking never affected his work. Nonetheless, his projectile vomiting soon became a regular feature of departmental meetings and he once urinated out of a conference room window overlooking Whitehall during a bilateral intelligence meeting with the CIA. A drunken bar-room brawl with Boris Yeltsin during a 1999 visit to Russia proved the final straw, and Shaw found himself being pensioned off.

Toby Clagg, a one time drinking partner of Shaw, was promoted from the scientific intelligence division of the DIS to be the organisation's Deputy Director. A research chemist by training, Clagg quickly became noted for rarely leaving his office. Eyebrows were raised when deliveries of scientific equipment and chemicals were made to the office, and the Fire Brigade was once called after a minor explosion. Finally, after several months our source, Deep Stomach, was summoned to Clagg’s office. Sitting in the midst of a plethora of scientific paraphernalia, Clagg revealed the amazing results of his research. “He told me that he had perfected an invisibility serum”, Deep Stomach confided to us. “As we spoke he injected himself with a clear liquid. ‘As you can see, I’m turning invisible. Once I remove my clothes no-one will be able to see me’, he said. With that he stripped off his clothes and ran out of the room, stark naked and totally visible.”

The ‘invisible’ Clagg’s reign of terror was short-lived. He ran into the neighbouring office of DIS Director Admiral West - who was in conference with the Director of the CIA - and poured a decanter of water over West, shouting “Hah, see how amazed he is! He has no idea who did that - I’m invisible!”. He then proceeded to stand on one leg and break wind in the CIA Director’s face before fleeing the office. After molesting several female staff members with the cry, “The invisible groper strikes - you can’t catch me for sexual harassment!”, he headed for the main entrance, where he encountered the Defence Secretary arriving for a meeting. The naked Clagg ran up to him waving his knob and shouting “Tosspot!”. The Defence Secretary punched him in the face and security guards dragged him away as he screamed “You can’t do this, I’m invisible!”. According to Deep stomach, Clagg has not been seen since. “That’s real invisibility”, he commented.