Upstanding Member for Cockshire...

According to the latest Westminster rumours, Tory leader David Cameron is seeking to cement his lead in the opinion polls by further enhancing his public image. "He's already succeeded in convincing people that he's caring and pro-environment, now he wants to be seen as virile, as well," claims top political columnist Sean Cockall. "With Prime Minister Brown looking ever more weary and politically impotent, Cameron wants voters to perceive him as a rampantly thrusting leader, the kind of bloke they'd secretly like to take them roughly from behind!" Consequently, Cameron is alleged to have turned to certain ancient oriental arts in an attempt to improve his 'performance' and desirability, secretly practicing the ancient Tibetan sexual art of Yang Wombito. This Eastern discipline - which dates back to the eleventh century - entails a strict training regime designed to attune the mind and body for maximum sexual performance and fecundity. According to top sex-guru Raz Zubrick - the world’s leading expert in the discipline - the art of Yang Wombito emphasises the role of spontaneity in successful love-making. “Often sex within marriage becomes stale and unproductive due to its repetitious and predictable nature”, the former TV repair man told us. “You know the scenario - once a week after the old man’s come back from the pub - always in the missionary position because he doesn’t have the energy to do anything else. The only element of surprise occurs if he farts during intercourse”. Whilst Yang Wombito does not advocate swinging from chandeliers or dressing in rubber, it does encourage the use of unusual sexual positions and the element of surprise - taking your partner by surprise by leaping naked out of wardrobes or dropping unexpectedly on them from the ceiling, for instance.

Zubrick, who operates from above a laundrette in Walsall, claims that many of the sexual positions prescribed by Yang Wombito were - like those in the better-known Kama Sutra - based on animal behaviour. “Whilst the Kama Sutra is pretty basic - the congress of the cow, dog, goat etc., or the mounting of the horse or ass - Yang Wombito goes for more complex positions such as The Crane, which involves standing on one leg during copulation”, he explained. “Another popular technique is The Baboon which entails painting your arse blue and leaping wildly upon your partner”. Like many of the Chinese martial arts it also involves the use of some physical aids. “We don’t go in for anything kinky or bizarre like the Kama Sutra”, Zubrick emphasises. “We don’t advocate sticking lighted joss-sticks up your arse or balancing an incense candle on your knob in order to increase its length.” The principal aid used is the Erotic Wig of Wang Huj-Dong. Prematurely bald Huj-Dong was one of the earliest masters of Yang Wombito, and had a wig woven from monkey hair. He found that wearing the wig not only made him more sexually attractive but also increased his sexual prowess and stamina - he attributed this to the fact that monkeys are amongst the most sexually active of all primates, often masturbating for hours on end. Genghis Khan later put the erotic wig to more sinister use - wearing it whilst he raped entire towns single-handed, hence his description in many contemporary accounts as the 'Devil in a Wig'. It is believed that his use of the wig lies behind his extraordinary fecundity - he sired over two hundred children, twelve of them by goats.

Pensioner Harry Mitts, who claims to live in the flat below Cameron's London residence, reckons that the Conservative leader has been vigourously practicing Yang Wombito. “I can hardly sleep at night with all the noise of squeaking bedsprings and the bed-head banging against the wall!”, the retired chicken sexer told The Daily Tits. “They are at so much that the plaster is falling off of my ceiling in huge lumps! I’m combing huge white clumps of it out of my hair every morning. I’m thinking of claiming for compensation!” Mitts also claims to have had first hand experience of Cameron's proficiency in the ancient love-making art. “I was walking up the stairs to my flat one evening when this screaming naked figure leaped out of the broom closet at me”, the pensioner recalls. “It wrapped its legs around my head and tried to tear my clothes off! It was terrifying! I finally managed to beat it off with my walking stick and it ran off into the darkness!” At first Mitts did not associate the mystery figure with his upstairs neighbour as it had appeared to sport shoulder-length hair. “It was only when I went up to his flat to borrow some sugar, a couple of days later, that it all made sense”, the 72 year old told us. “He answered the door wearing this wig! I immediately realised that it must be one of those erotic wigs as I could feel its power. I became so aroused that I got a half-erection - that's the first time since 1981!” Mitts believes that Hague had mistaken him for his wife, Samantha, who was late home the night of the attack.