Cameron's Follies of 2009

Tory leader David Cameron has been accused of premature triumphalism after plans for the staging of the forthcoming Conservative Party conference were leaked to the press. According to top tabloid The Shite, Cameron will arrive at the conference venue on a chariot accompanied by standard bearers, having travelled down streets lined with party workers dressed as Roman legionaries, whilst searchlights sweep the sky. Following his chariot will be a procession of his vanquished enemies in chains, including several of the Tory MPs disgraced in the recent expenses scandal, and exotic beasts -rumoured to include Kenneth Clarke - captured in his campaigns. Upon arrival at the conference centre, the entire Parliamentary Conservative Party will engage in a huge Busby Berkeley-style dance routine, involving massed tap-dancing peers forming into various traditional conservative symbols, including the swastika.

The newspaper understands that the conference will culminate with the leader's speech, after which Cameron will ascend heavenward in a hot air balloon, leaving the party faithful prostrate before him. Whilst sources claim that senior Labour Party figures are apoplectic - with former Deputy Leader John Prescott threatening to 'punch that bloody ponce Cameron's lights out' - at what they see as the Conservative leader's arrogance and presumption, Conservative Central Office have denied the paper's claims. "This story is quite obviously ridiculous," said a spokesperson. "All we have planned for the conference is an amazing aquatic swimming routine performed by the MPs wives in the sea just off Blackpool beach. We're saving the procession and dance routines for when we actually win the election next year." The spokesperson also confirmed that during the election victory procession, defeated former Labour MPs will be paraded in chains before being sold into slavery.