Wrath of Cod (Part Three)

Whilst the 2001 animal uprising was eventually quelled, there are fears that there could be further outbreaks. Conspiracy theorist Bob Dipstick suspects that the recent furore over swine fever could be another ploy to cover up new animal insurgency. "This time it looks to be worldwide, with the United Nations co-ordinating the lies about swine flu," he opines. "It was the same a few years ago when birds started attacking people - they came up with so-called 'avian flu', but that never materialised, did it? No, once the revolt was secretly brought under control, the 'pandemic' vanished from the news!" However, the question of just what triggered the original uprising remains. Farmer Grincombe, victim of the revolt, believes that its all down to radiation, specifically French nuclear testing in the Pacific: “Everyone knows that radiation causes bizarre mutations, such as giant fish and super-intelligent animals - I blame the EU”. If radiation is the culprit, the source could lie much closer to home - the Sellafield nuclear reprocessing plant is sited in Cumbria, the epicentre of the revolt.

Whatever the cause of the revolt, many zoologists believe that the authorities’ reaction was misguided and disproportionate. “They should have tried to communicate and reason with these creatures, which displayed obvious intelligence”, says one. “Just because animals achieve abnormal size or intelligence, it does not mean that they will become aggressive. I blame King Kong for this misconception, it was highly inaccurate. Gorillas are passive creatures, Kong would probably have spent most of his time on the Empire State Building masturbating or picking his arse - people would have been more at risk from being drowned in his jism as he tossed off than from being eaten by him”. However, Tory MP Harry Johnson believes that the government’s reaction was too little, too late. He maintains that giant mutated animals pose a very real threat: “Let us not forget that airship travel was abandoned in the 1930s as a result of the number of dirigibles being destroyed by the giant Gorillas which infested New York’s skyscrapers during that period!”.