Wrath of Cod (Part Two)

“At first we thought the crisis could be contained by the civil authorities in Cumbria”, a Ministry of Agriculture source told us. “But it soon came apparent that the local police couldn’t cope, even after arresting the suspected ring-leaders - two cockerels and a bull mastiff from Penrith - and detaining them at Carlisle police station”. The police station was soon besieged by hordes of farm animals - gangs of poultry and cattle roamed the streets terrorising citizens. “The situation was clearly getting out of hand”, commented our Ministry source. “Moreover, despite restricting the movements of farm animals, we found that the revolt was rapidly spreading to the rest of the country.” Panic set in when an eight foot long halibut was caught off of the Scottish coast. A top secret Cabinet Office paper speculated that it was merely an immature juvenile giant halibut and that its gigantic mother might be lurking in the deeps, plotting revenge on those who had eaten her offspring. According to the paper, at any moment the British Isles could be subject to an attack by a giant, hundred foot long, halibut - coastal towns could be devastated as it rose up on its tail before flopping down on the ground, crushing everything below. “In the face of this terrifying, yet strangely plausible, scenario, it was decided that the animal uprising had to be quelled before they had a chance to ally themselves with any such giant fishes”, says our Ministry source. “Consequently, it was felt that we had no choice but to call in the military.”

However, resistance was far stiffer than expected. In one incident an attempt to encircle a herd of militant cattle in Somerset was foiled when advancing infantry found themselves being shelled by a band of mercenary chickens employed by local pigs. An armoured column had to be dispatched to relieve the ground troops and thereby avert a major military disaster. “We should have known better than to expect instant results from the military”, said our man from the Ministry. “After all, the Royal Navy hardly covered itself in glory when it attempted to protect British fishermen from militant cod during the Cod Wars of the 1970s - several warships were severely damaged after being rammed by cod. We were damned lucky there weren’t any giant halibut about”. Indeed, military incompetence eventually led to Britain losing the Cod War (which had erupted after North Sea cod decided that they were being sold too cheaply by UK fishmongers and refused to be caught by British trawlers), when the Captain of HMS Irrelevant panicked under attack and dropped depth charges, killing a large number of non-combatant haddock. Under UN pressure Britain was forced to withdraw and accept the fishes’ terms, thereby leading to a rise in fish prices which subsequently fuelled the rampant inflation of the late 1970s. In order to prevent another such defeat, the RAF was authorised to carpet bomb large areas of countryside with napalm - the supposed blazing pyres of animal corpses simply being a cover for these tactics.