More Artful Todgers

Errol Flynn, Warren Beatty and Sammy Davis Jr - all men allegedly well-endowed in the trouser department, but exactly what is it that gives a celebrity schlong truly legendary status? Is it just the size, or are there other factors involved? After all, John Lennon’s penis is still discussed in hushed tones by former groupies, although secret autopsy photographs show it to be of merely average size (even taking into account post-mortem shrinkage). No, in truth, versatility seems to be the key. Whilst the phenomenal size of matinee idol Errol Flynn’s magnificent member is well-known, its continued fame, nearly fifty years after its owner’s death, is as much due to its antics as its length. It is rumoured that he once rogered Marilyn Monroe whilst she was in the next room at a party - she slapped a bewildered Robert Mitchum, who was standing next to her, across the face, assuming the todger tickling her fancy was his.

Several of Lennon’s contemporaries in the music business could also boast of having talented todgers. There are persistent stories, for instance, of former Deep Purple guitarist Ritchie Blackmore having once played the entire guitar solo from ‘Smoke on the Water’ using his thumb of love as a plectrum, during a 1972 live performance in Hamburg. However, this has never been confirmed. Better documented are the antics of T-Rex’s Marc Bolan, who actually did use his knob, quite literally, as a skin flute. “Music and masturbation were Marc’s twin passions,” says former girlfriend Trixie Tenpin, who became notorious in glam-rock circles when, in 1973, she tossed Bolan off into a bag of chips which were later eaten by Wizzard’s Roy Wood - with catastrophic consequences. “It was only natural that he would seek a way of combining the two.” Bolan achieved this by piercing his penis with a knitting needle to create a column of finger holes, and then blowing down it with the aid of a specially made brass mouthpiece (designed to reach from his lips to the head of his erect penis). Through a careful manipulation of his fingers over the holes, he was, incredibly, able to play tunes on his trouser trumpet, usually working up to a crescendo which climaxed with him ejaculating.