The Whacko Jacko Action Doll...

Whacko Jacko - the circus just carries on, doesn't it? I see now that his family are going to licence Jacko merchandising. as long as it is tasteful, of course. I eagerly await the appearance in shops of a scale model of his solid gold coffin. An ideal present for the kiddies this Christmas. Apparently it will come with an opening lid and will be fully lined in velvet. Indeed, it will be the ideal receptacle for the Jacko action doll - just pull its scale plonker, kiddies, and it will speak one of a dozen phrases! (These will include the ever popular "Owwww", during which the doll's right arm will automatically fly skywards whilst the other grips his groin). It will also come with a range of alternative noses and adjustable skin tone. Other accessories will include a miniature Bubbles and several self-assembly children.

If none of that grabs you, how about a squeezy brain pet toy? It squeaks when you squeeze it. Great fun for your dog! Or maybe the bouncing 'Jacko Baby' - drop it from any balcony and watch it bounce right back into your hands! Fun for all the family! If this range takes off then the sky's the limit for celebrity merchandising. How long will it be before we get the Curt Cobain toy shotgun? Fire it in your mouth and blow smoke rings with the exhaust fumes. Maybe the Phil Spector water pistol - shoot your girl friend safely in the head with no risk of subsequent murder trials. Or the O J Simpson steak knife range? Trust me - they'd sell!