More Moronic Mumblings

The News of the World has angrily denied that it attempted to set up the kidnapping of former Spice Girl Geri Haliwell. “Such an allegation is utterly insane,” says a spokesman. “Who in their right mind would pay money to get her back?” The Sunday tabloid’s owners - News International - have rejected claims that it had planned to use the kidnapping as a circulation boosting gimmick - possibly by threatening to release the self-styled singer if sales didn’t increase by at least 10%. They have also poured scorn on suggestions that an alternative plan involved readers pledging money to charity in order to prevent Miss Haliwell’s release from captivity. “I can also state quite categorically that this newspaper never prepared plans to run a weekly competition, asking readers to nominate which celebrity they would most like kidnapped and to name a suitable ransom,” says the spokesman.

The News of the World is also one of several tabloids denying that they had ever run a campaign to discredit the public image of Heather McCartney in the wake of her divorce from former Beatle Sir Paul McCartney. “At no time did we ever suggest that she had actually cut off her own leg and eaten it as part of her initiation into a bizarre cult,” said a legal advisor for The Mirror. “Nor did we ever imply that she was hell bent on converting strict vegetarian Sir Paul to cannibalism, thereby desecrating the memory of his late wife Linda.” For their part, the McCartney’s have denied that their marriage has instigated a new fashion craze of ‘Amputee Chic’ as fellow celebs and fans seek to emulate glamourous Lady Heather by lopping off their own arms and legs. “The McCartneys cannot be held responsible for any acts of self-mutilation carried out by mentally disturbed individuals - even if they were listening to a Wings album at the time,” asserted the couple’s press officer, adding that Sir Paul’s daughter Stella was most definitely not planning to introduce a new range of designer axes and scalpels as fashion accessories.