Yet More Moronic Mumblings

In business news, jovial chubby Greek stereotype Stelios, owner of EasyGroup, has vehemently denied suggestions in certain tabloids that his next venture would be EasyTerror - a service designed to make bombings and mass murder headache free for terrorists. “This is outrageous - what do they think I am? Some kind of opportunist who would cynically try to profit from any potential new market? Although, I cannot deny that the rapid growth in international terrorism would rather neatly counterbalance the decline in tourism since September 11, if properly exploited... Anyway, you can tell the racist bastards that I’ve never worked on a kebab van either,” the tycoon apparently did not recently tell reporters.

He described as 'offensive' suggestions that he was planning to offer special deals for terrorists using his airlines to fly to their targets - suicide bombers would not get a special ‘no return’ discount and a special luggage allowance for their explosives. He also dismissed speculation that he was planning a special ‘one stop’ on line shopping service for armchair terrorists where they could purchase all the firearms, bombs and chemical/biological agents they would ever need and even arrange to have them delivered directly to the target.

For his part, rival celebrity entrepreneur Sir Richard Branson has denied that he ever planned to compete with EasyTerror by buying out near-defunct Irish terrorist outfit the IRA and re-branding them Virgin Terror. “This is a flagship terror organisation and it still has life in it - the government cannot let it be phased out! How else can Britain hope to compete in the international terror game?” he denies saying, adding that he also never suggested that the IRA should drop its Catholic affiliation and Irish Republican agenda so as to broaden its appeal and boost membership.