Bad Press

The Tory party's leadership has been left reeling following the publication of photographs purportedly showing the entire shadow cabinet dressed in Nazi uniforms whilst attending bilateral talks with their new European allies, the National Purity Party of Latvia. "The bastards are all there - Cameron, Osborne, Hague, even the bloody Mayor of London, that buffoon Boris Johnson - jackbooted and sporting swastika armbands, whilst they give the Hitler salute to a parade of local SS veterans," says Bill Nardy, editor of the Daily Tits, which printed the pictures. "What further proof does the British electorate need that the Tories under Cameron are just a bunch of evil fascists?" According to Nardy, whilst in Latvia the top Tories attended a World War Two themed outdoor activity centre situated in a forest just outside Riga. "They got to re-enact the local pogroms and raze entire pro-communist villages to the ground with Tiger tanks," he asserts. "There's a whole mock concentration camp where they can conduct appalling Dr Mengele-style sexual experiments on prostitutes with shaved heads pretending to be Jewish prisoners. Apparently, if you're prepared to pay a premium, they'll even round up some local down and outs and drug addicts for you to gas!" Whilst critics have pointed out that the photos are obviously faked - Boris Johnson's face has been crudely photoshopped onto a picture of Luftwaffe chief and fat buffoon Hermann Goering, for instance - the tabloid editor remains unrepentant.

"OK, so it's an exaggeration, but it's no worse than the lies that those scumbags over at The Shite have been peddling about Gordon Brown," he claims. "It's bloody outrageous, whatever he does they put some spin on it to make out he's some kind of unpatriotic child murderer or something!" Indeed, since the Daily Tit's arch-rival declared it would no longer be supporting the Labour government, instead swinging its weight behind Cameron's Tories, it has printed a series of stories seizing on even the most trivial gaffes to try and smear the Prime Minister. "Even when he' being compassionate, sending hand-written letters of condolence to the families of servicemen killed in Afghanistan, they somehow manage to turn it around," rages Nardy, referring to The Shite's recent feature, timed to coincide with Armistice Day, in which they employ a calligrapher to analyse the Premier's handwriting in one such letter. "According to them, his 'barely literate scrawl' reveals that Gordon Brown secretly wants to piss on the Cenotaph and desecrate the graves of dead war heroes by dancing on them! It's a disgrace!" He also cites another recent article in which the Tory tabloid used a medium to contact the spirits of various military heroes, including Viscount Montgomery and the Duke of Wellington, to comment on Brown's conduct of the war in Afghanistan. "I find it very hard to believe that Lord Nelson would use the words 'one-eyed whingeing tosser' to describe anyone, let alone the Prime Minster," sighs an exasperated Nardy. However, whilst the Daily Tits' 'Cameron Nazi' story was intended as retaliation, it is in danger of back firing. "Listen, those guys they're apparently saluting might have been ex-Nazis, but at least Cameron knows to honour war veterans properly," declares Johnny Twatt, editor of The Shite. "Not like that bastard Brown - we all saw him mooning at our brave boys during the Remembrance Day parade - and given enough time we'll have the photos to prove it!"