"Did you enjoy your wank, Watson?" enquired Sherlock Holmes as we sat down to breakfast one grey morning in November.
"Good God Holmes! However did you know that I'd just spent the last five minutes galloping the antelope?" I enquired, once again astonished by my colleague's apparently supernatural powers of deduction. "You surely couldn't have heard me? I went to great trouble to bite down on my bedpost so as to keep my erotic outcries down to acceptable levels!"
"My dear fellow, it is merely an elementary matter of observation," he explained, spearing his kipper. "You will recall that in that business of the Balham Buggerings last summer I was able to show that Cruddocks, the transvestite strangler, had used his feet to hold the rope whilst killing his victims by identifying the marks it left between his big and second toes. I observed similar marks between the thumb and forefinger of your right hand, indicating that you had recently been firmly gripping a tubular object there. This, coupled with the fact that you bought the October edition of Gentleman's Relish
yesterday evening, and the smear of jism on your cuff, led me to deduce that you had been milking the moose."
"How absurdly simple, now that you explain it," I concurred, buttering my hot toast. At that moment the doorbell rang. Crossing to the window, Holmes looked down into the street.
"Aha, Watson! It is Lestrade," he exclaimed. "What could have brought him to our door at such an early hour?"
"Undoubtedly another strange case he cannot solve himself," I ejaculated, wiping the table clean before continuing. "Evidently he requires your help again, just as he did last month during the Camden Town Cock Stranglings!"
"Indeed Watson," my companion replied. "An intiguing case if ever there was one. Who could ever forget those chilling words uttered by Hansen the Hermaphrodite upon his arrest: 'I only squeezed it gently, but it turned purple then went limp, guv'nor'?" So saying, Holmes walked to the door and called down to Mrs Hudson to show the Inspector up.
"So Lestrade," said Holmes, as soon as the policeman was seated. "What bizarre occurrence brings you to Baker Street today? Another outbreak of nude pick axe murders in Streatham, perhaps? Or even another sighting of the Brentford Beast - that sex attacker who dresses as an ape and exposes himself to women whilst swing from trees?"
Lestrade shifted uneasily in his seat before replying. "Well, Mr Holmes, it is a crime, a sex crime even, of a very curious nature. I must admit that I hesitated before bringing it to you, but I know how you and Dr Watson, as England's most famous sex crime investigators, relish the bizarre and unusual, like that business of the Copper Birchings last year."
"Very true, Lestrade," Holmes interjected. "You have brought me some of my most unusual cases. But what, exactly, is the nature of this new matter you are bringing to my attention? Murder with one of those new-fangled electrical sex stimulators? Attempted murder with one of those sex stimulators? Horse molesting? Buggery of a cabinet minister by a gang of chimney sweeps at the very least, surely?"
"Ah, Mr Holmes," said Lestrade, sinking back into his chair. "With your expectations so high, I fear I may disappoint you! Nevertheless, although the case has so far not involved murder, molestation or buggery, it does involve a sexual assault, for want of a better term, which has some points which I feel may intrigue you."
"Pray continue, Inspector," Holmes replied, raising his eyebrows and filling his pipe.
"Well, this is the third time in as many days that an assault of this nature has occurred! Each time in a house of ill-repute, each time between the hours of one and two in the morning, and each time witnesses have caught only a fleeting glimpse of the perpetrator!"
"But exactly what, Lestrade, actually happened?" I interjected, frustrated by the Scotland Yard man's obsfucation.
"Well, Doctor, the actual crime is, as I've indicated, rather unusual, to say the least," he responded. "Whilst it is an assault, it is not upon a person, but upon what might be described as a sculpture. A vulgar sculpture depicting an unnatural act! To put it bluntly, Dr Watson, in each case a penis was hacked off of an obscene sculpture and shattered with a hammer! This is clearly the work of a depraved sexual maniac!"TO BE CONTINUED...
Labels: Satire, Sherlock Holmes