Time and Again

God help us all if they ever invent time travel. Whilst I'm sure that the scientific community, historians, sociologists and the like would see a time machine as a marvelous tool for expanding our knowledge about ourselves and the universe we live in by exploring the past, you can guarantee that big business will simply see it as another means for providing the masses with dubious entertainment. Let's face it, TV would probably be the first on the bandwagon - and not to make thought-provoking historical documentaries! Oh no, time travel would undoubtedly be put to use engineering new gameshows and reality TV series (I can see it now - fly on the wall documentaries about the sexual proclivities of our ancestors - did Prince Albert really have a Prince Albert?), not to mention providing historical guests for chat shows (can you imagine a bemused Socrates being shouted at by Davina McCall, Queen Victoria being told knob jokes by Jonathan Ross, or Gandhi being shown gay porn websites by Graham Norton?).

Inevitably, TV executives wouldn't be able to resist using time travel to gather the contestants for the ultimate version of Big Brother - just imagine: Jesus Christ, Mohammed, Lord Buddha and assorted other prophets locked together in a house for six weeks, with religious hegemony as the prize! At long last, the public get their chance to vote the religions they hate the most, not just out of the house, but out of existence! Another tack would be to have one of those shows which plays practical jokes on people, the twist being that the jokes are being played on famous historical figures. I can see it now: a panicking Churchill frantically searching for his German phrase book and practicing his goose-stepping after being told that the Battle of Britain had been lost. Or maybe Gandhi losing his rag and decking a bloke who keeps squirting water at him as he tries one of his sit-down peaceful protests. Perhaps John Lennon could be fooled into thinking that it is Yoko who has just let one rip during their bed-in. The possibilities are endless.

As well as putting a new spin on some tired old formats, time travel could also open up the possibility of some original new formats. One which springs to my mind is going back in time to actually test whether the great and the good of history really were that virtuous, by placing various temptations in their path. The obvious one is, of course, Jesus: was he really unwordly and without sin, or was he (as Derek and Clive put it), actually a cunt? This thesis could be tested by taking a group of strippers and exotic dancers back to the time of the crucifixion, and have them parade in front of Christ as he hangs on the cross, with the object of stirring some movement in his loincloth. 'Giving Christ the Horn' would be a good title. You know, I think I'm going to register that format and title because, you never know, they might get that time machine up and running any day now...