Cool For Cats?

With a bird flu epidemic widely expected in Britain, the one group likely to benefit from such an outbreak is threatening to withdraw its services, as part of a long-running industrial dispute.

"Look, we're sick and tired of playing second fiddle to bloody dogs," says the President of the Association of British Felines, codenamed 'Tiger', but widely suspected to be a ginger tom from Macclesfield. "How is it that that bunch of slobbering cretins gets to be man's best friend? Just because they're always so damn sycophantic - all that obedience and loyalty crap! It makes me sick! Don't we do as good a job when it comes to companionship? Isn't all that cute rolling on our backs, purring, wide eyed stares and pitiful mewling enough? And we cover our own shit up and don't expect people to run round after us picking it up!"

The Association is threatening to bring its membership - comprising over five million domestic cats in the UK, plus several thousand feral felines - out on an indefinite strike unless their grievances are met. With a bird flu epidemic threatening Britain's shores, experts are warning that without felines actively curbing their numbers, the quantity of infected birds could quickly spiral out of control.

"Amazing, isn't it? When it suits you bastards, you're urging us to go out there and kill all those sweet little birdies -ambush them on the bird tables, savage them at the feeders! But the rest of the time, the only thanks we get for bringing a mutilated bird home is a whack with a rolled up newspaper," says an aggrieved 'Tiger'. "The fact is, that the health risk to our members from chewing infected birds is unacceptably high, and we want recompense for this increased level of hazard!"

Until their demands for a bounty of one tin of tuna fish for every infected bird killed, recognition of their status as man's true best friend and a reduction of working hours from two to one and a half a day, the Association's members are proposing to stage a mass bed-in.

"Trust me, no cat will stir from a warm bed or sofa - save for meals and dirt-box breaks - until these demands are met," a confident 'Tiger' opines. "There'll be no purring, no cute chasing of pieces of string and no unprovoked savaging of hands!"

The Association's militant wing has threatened even more extreme action if the demands are not promptly met, with its acknowledged leader, a mackeral tabby called Tim from Henley, promising reprisals against cat owners.

"Either we get what we want, or we will start catching the infected birds," he says menacingly. "And we'll be dumping them in your beds while you sleep - just imagine all the bird flu germs you'll be breathing in before you wake! Believe me, we'll do it - you know we have no moral scruples!"

Talks with ACAS to avoid the dispute are still ongoing.