Bird Flu Hits Britain!

Panic! Run for your lives! The media's greatest wish has come true and a dead swan infected with the deadliest form of bird flu has been discovered in Scotland! Prepare for waves of irresponsible scare-mongering as TV and newspapers vie with eachother to see who can induce the most fear in the general population! Amazingly, one of my local TV news programmes has already tried to give the story a local angle (despite being at the opposite end of the country from the current bird flu incident), by reporting that a dead swan had been found near a local river! Has another outbreak been discovered? No, just a dead swan. Now, I'm guessing that swans pop their clogs on a fairly regular basis from all sorts of things other than bird flu, including natural causes, but of course, that would mean that our intrepid local TV newshounds couldn't tell us that we're all going to die - horribly! So they convenientally ignore that fact until the very end of the report, when it is mumbled, very quickly, before cutting back to the studio.

No doubt the Daily Mail will be calling for all birds, especially those which have migrated here illegally, to be slaughtered, or repatriated, whichever appeals most to their readers' prejudices. Just for good measure, they'll probably also be running front page stories on how illegal immigrants are smuggling bird flu infected ducks into the country by stuffing them down their trousers. It will undoubtedly turn out to be part of a terrorist plot on the part of some foreign turban-wearing Islamic Johnnies. By the end of the week they'll be calling for the mobilisation of Britain's duck and pheasant hunters, to stand on the coastline and bring down any incoming birds with concentrated shotgun fire.

So, lest you think that I'm trivialising a potentially life-threatening situation, let's look at the best ways to try and deal with this nascent crisis. Clearly, identifying infected birds is the most obvious precaution you can take. It seems to me that this should be pretty easy - just look for any of feathered friends dribbling snot from their bills, coughing and sneezing and complaining of headaches. If you see any of them huddled in their nests, wrapped in blankets and watching daytime TV, don't hesitate - shoot the little bastards! Be especially vigilant around chemists shops - if you see any ducks or other fowl attempting to buy aspirins, lemsips (particularly if it is 'Flu Strength') or benylin, report them immediately to the authorities.

As for avoiding the spread of avian flu to humans - just don't shag any chickens (trust me, that's how it spread in Turkey). As far as I can see, the main groups at risk will be certain types of pervert and pigeon fanciers - eliminate them (and we really should do that regardless of bird flu), and we should be alright. Mind you, if bird flu does spread to humans, be very careful about taking days off from work sick. If you phone in saying you've got the sniffles or something similar, before you know it the police will be kicking in your door, shooting you in the head and burning your body. Probably better to suffer in silence, eh?