Monday, April 03, 2006

Cash For Canonisation Scandal?

Apparently the late Pope John Paul II has been 'fast-tracked' for canonisation by his successor. After hearing that on the radio the other day I was left wondering how much cash had changed hands to enable the reactionary old git to jump the quue like that? I mean, if people are willing to give loans to political parties in this country in the hope that they'll get a knighthood or peerage for their trouble, what price sainthood? You aren't going to tell me that there aren't people far more deserving of sainthood than John Paul II, who have been on that waiting list for decades? It's so unfair - he had all the advantages; a direct line to the Almighty, for instance. If that couldn't have helped him produce a few miracles, then nothing could have!

Of course, that's the big question now - can the Catholic church come up with any bona fide miracles performed by the late Pontiff to qualify him as a saint? Call me cynical if you like, but I strongly suspect that they will. They'll undoubtedly be really crap miracles, probably along the lines of that generous cash donation for the Basilica roof repair fund which miraculously appeared in Cardinal Mingo's back pocket, but they'll be declared miracles! Just so long as they aren't as sordid as the one which clinched nineteenth century village priest John Thrumster a place in the Catholic pantheon. According to the testimony of one of his former parishioners, the Holy Father miraculously cured his impotence in the vestry one afternoon after choir practice. "I was ten years old and had never had an erection - then Father Thrumster bade me to drop my trousers, took my member in his hand and gently rubbed it, whilst cupping my testicles in his other hand. I could feel the warmth spreading through my scrotum as my penis stiffened and rose erect - thrusting heavenward to celebrate the glory of God! It was a miracle!" On the basis of this, Thrumster was canonised as Saint John Thomas the Priapic, patron saint of sex offenders.

Mind you, the problem with sainthood is that, under current rules, you have to be dead to enjoy. It has always seemed to me that it would make far more sense to award sainthoods to the living. The church could make some really big money then! Imagine what a boost it could be with the electorate for the likes of Blair or Cameron if they could claim to be a living saint? Arguably, it could actually encourage people to lead more Godly lives, in order to try and qualify for sainthood before they pop their clogs - everybody would suddenley be a Mother Theresa!

So, how about it Pope Benny (if I may be so familiar)? Come to think of it, do I qualify for an instant canonisation on the basis of coming up with this scheme, or am I just going to have to rely on the Queen's Birthday Honours for some recognition of my services to sleaze?



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