Prisoners of Porn: Freed!

NEWSFLASH:

In a daring operation, British Special Forces soldiers yesterday raided a back street film studio in Baghdad, freeing three western hostages, including Briton Dan Cheeser, who had been missing for three months.

"One of the hostages was strapped to some sort of rack, and was being flagellated - presumably in an attempt to extract information - by a naked woman," explained British Army spokesperson Major Peter Nubbins at a press conference. "Two other hostages were found being beaten and trampled by another group of female fundamentalist, also naked, save for PVC underpants and black stiletto shoes."

Sadly, the SAS raid was too late save a fourth hostage, who was found dead in an adjoining room. "At first we though he had been suffocated - he was found tied up in a rubber suit, blindfolded and gagged in a black leather mask," says Nubbins. "However, an autopsy showed that he had actually expired from heart failure - the result of strenuous physical activity, to which he was obviously unaccustomed, judging by his girth."

According to the Major, the ordeals of the captives were being filmed by the insurgents. "Presumably, this was for propaganda purposes," he speculates. "We assume that the videos would eventually have been released to TV stations along with the their demands."

Whilst few details of the operation have been released to the press, it is understood that half a dozen SAS troopers, clad only in gimp masks, boots and tool belts, crashed through the skylight of the impromptu film studio, and neutralised the female insurgents with specially silenced vibrators.

"Obviously, the troopers had to blend in with their surroundings, so as not to arouse suspicion," Nubbins claims. "The only hitch was when an insurgent wearing a strap on was able to resist the silenced vibrator. Although she nearly took the trooper involved from the rear, after a fierce bout of hand to hand combat, he was able to subdue her with a large dildo." Videotapes seized at the scene are currently undergoing intense analysis in a dingy back room of a British Army barracks in Basra.

When asked for his reaction to the rescue, former hostage Dan Cheeser would only say: "Bloody interfering bastards!" He later twice tried to escape from a military hospital and is currently under heavy sedation. Army medics fear he may have been brainwashed as part of his ordeal. "Why else would anyone want to return to that chamber of horrors?" Mused Major Nubbins.

Reuters, London.