Thursday, March 16, 2006

Mad Scientists

I know I really shouldn't make light of the plight of those poor buggers who have been involved in that drug trial which has gone horribly wrong...

But, for God's sake, haven't these people seen the same films that I have? Don't they remember The Manster, where someone gets injected with an experimental drug grows another head and turns into a homicidal maniac before finally splitting in two? Or Blue Sunshine, where people who took an experimental form of LSD lose their hair and turn into homicidal maniacs ten years later (I think you can see a theme developing here)? Or just about any picture Monogram Films made between 1939 and 1946? Surely everybody knows that the only outcome of subjecting oneself to experimental medical treatments is turning into an ape/werewolf/tentacled horror.

Its the scientists conducting these experiments who are at fault, of course. All readers of the popular press will know that when not conducting cruel experiments on animals, the average scientist is usually attempting to construct weapons of mass destruction, snatch the organs of dead infants and contact body snatching aliens.

However, being paid £2000 a time apparently removes any suspicions the average citizen has about these guys. Even if the scientist conducting the drug trial looks like Boris Karloff and his assistant is Bela Lugosi (usually caught mid-transformation into the Ape Man). It never occurs to these poor saps that this duo is actually aiming to tap their spinal fluid so as to crack the secret of eternal youth/ turning into an ape/breeding giant bats.

Mind you, with media reports claiming that the victims of this latest tragedy found their heads swelling to three times their normal size, I'm left wooried that Boris and Bela are trying to produce a race of super-intelligent huge-brained supermen. They'll probably have to eat the brains of us regular humans to maintain their intellectual superiority. I'm afraid! Very afraid! We're all doomed!



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