Dream Doctor...

Dreams. I keep hearing how significant your dreams are meant to be. You know the sort of thing; for mystics they predict the future, for Freudians they're all about sex, whilst for Jungians they're all about interpreting the ancient archetypal images thrown up by the collective subconscious. So, basically, if you dream about riding a horse, to a mystic that means you're going to back the winner of the Grand National, for the Freudian it is all about your sex drive and how you feel inadequate because you aren't hung like a horse, whilst for the Jungian, the horse is the archetypal father image, it means you want to have sex with your old man. In addition to these schools of thought, there's a whole industry of whacko books out there claiming to help you interpret your dreams.

Anyway, getting to the point, I'd sincerely like to know what the hell my dreams are about (the ones I remember reasonably clearly, anyway). I've tried looking at them from all perspectives, and they still don't seem to make any sense. Take this one, for instance: the other night I had a very vivid dream where my right shoe wouldn't fit properly. When I took my sock off and examined my foot, I found the sole was covered in a thick coat of hair! I had to shave it before I could get my shoe on. What the hell was that about? I know masturbation is meant to result in hairy palms, but hairy feet? And why only the right foot? Is there some significance in that? The only famous hairy feet I can think of belonged to Lon Chaney Jr in The Wolfman - is this some kind of prediction that I'm about to fall prey to lycanthropy? Perhaps it is a warning that if I wank too much I'll turn into a slavering werewolf motivated to commit nocturnal depravities because of extreme sexual frustration?

While we're on the subject - what about my all time favourit dream - the one where Burt Reynolds is drinking in the lounge bar of my local pub? What does that signify? A secret homoerotic attraction to good 'ol boys sporting stetsons and big moustaches? Who knows? Who really cares? And why do I keep having weirdo dreams like these instead of those wonderful erotic fantasies people in fiction are always having?