Danny Baker's Life in Porn...

Male porn stars. Have you ever noticed how ugly they are? UK ones certainly. They all seem to be balding, pot-bellied middle-aged blokes who probably couldn't get it any other way. OK, I know that my knowledge of the subject is mainly derived from that ten-minute porn channel teaser you get around midnight on cable, but I'm sure that it is pretty representative. About the most normal looking guy on it was some curly-haired 'sex God' who was the spitting image of DJ and football pundit Danny Baker (although, for legal reasons, I'd like to emphasise that I have no reason to believe that MR Baker has ever appeared in an adult film). If Ron Jeremy is anything to go by, US male porn stars aren't much better - they just have bigger moustaches.

Now, I know that right now there are people out there who know me who are probably saying 'Why are you knocking British porn - you should be auditioning, surely?', but it does raise some serious questions. Do women really go for guys who look like Danny Baker, or is this more proof (if any were really needed), that porn is primarily made by men, for men. Whilst we demand that the women all be attractive and sexually desirable, we don't want to feel threatened by the presence of similar looking guys reminding us of our own inadequacies. Moreover, we like to think that 'ordinary' guys like us really could get to bonk beautiful women if we really wanted to. Hmmm.

However, I could be wrong. There could be a vast market out there for pornography featuring guys who look like overweight, scruffy cab-drivers. Perhaps it isn't just Danny Baker who has a porn look-a-like? Maybe there's a John Prescott or Gordon Brown clone out there? Or even a Terry Wogan and (God forbid) Chris Evans doubles out there wagging their lardy, hairy arses up and down, ginning to camera as they simulate sex with some blonde dressed as a schoolgirl. I sincerely hope not!