Richard Madeley Going Down...

According to something I was reading in The Guardian on saturday, whilst being tried for sexually assualting the gardener, Elizabeth Taylor's butler claimed, in his defence, that he was merely trying to 'warm himself up' before attending to his other duties - namely servicing Ms Taylor (or 'jumping on the old trampoline' as he put it). This got me wondering as to what it is other celebrity partners have to do in order to 'psych' themselves up prior to 'doing the deed'? Just what does Richard Madeley, for instance, have to do to prepare himself for pouring the pork to Judy Finnigan? Perhaps he has to shag a drinks vending machine - shoving his genitalia into the dispenser whilst pressing the buttons for tomato soup, maybe, in the hope that the pain of scalding hot red liquid pouring over his knackers will distract him enough to be able to make love to Judy. Another possibility is that he dresses up as Ali G to get it on with his other half - pretending to be someone else makes it bearable. Perhaps Judy fantasises about being taken roughly by a black stud -or maybe she can't stand the sight of his face and demands that he blacks up. All of which implies that the time he appeared on This Morning dressed as Ali G, Richard was, in fact, indulding in sexual foreplay with his wife. Eeeeughhh!

I'm also left wondering how many innocent fruits and vegetables had to suffer before Katie Holmes could bring herself to let creepy scientologist Tom Cruise's 'full blown Stallone' get anywhere near her love harbour. Did she lie back, close her eyes and think of L Ron Hubbard? (Digressing somewhat, I have this dreadful fear that the progeny of Tom and Katie is going to be hailed as some kind of Scientological messiah. A new receptacle for Hubbard's Thetan, perhaps? (Come to think of it, maybe that was Tom's line during sexual foreplay: 'Open your receptacle to my Thetan and I'll clear you to the highest level of auditing' - trust me, it works on all the scientologist girls). Able to grow new teeth at will, he'll audit us all to the promised, trauma-free land).

Another celebrity odd couple which always puzzled me 'jig-a-jig' wise was Victoria Wood and the 'Great Soprendo'. Did he wave his magic wand every night and make her change into a beautiful assistant before sawing her in half, so to speak? And did Victoria Wood, as she gazed up at his sweaty pate bobbing up and down, ever ask herself if this was what she really thought fame would bring her - being porked by a short fat slap headed children's TV magician?

I could go on - the Krankies, for instance. I ask you, the mind just boggles as to what they had to do to get in the mood for bouncing the refirdgerators - but this lot has already made me feel queasy. Where's the bucket?