Soft Soap
Don't worry if you've been too busy reading The Sleaze or searching the web for those hard-to-find nude pictures of Sacha Distel to keep up with your favourite soap operas - we've prepared this handy guide to what's going on in the UK's most popular soaps.
There's a terrible shock in store for Coronation Street's Vera Duckworth when the police come knocking at her door bearing bad news about her husband Jack. It appears that pigeon fancier Jack has also admitted to fancying ferrets, whippets and Shetland ponies - and has asked for thirteen similar offences involving unconsenting baboons to be taken into consideration. It seems that in these instances it went far beyond the fancying stage - a possible explanation for Jack and Vera's son Terry.
Over at the newsagents - that throbbing hub of commerce - Rita finally uncovers Norris' illicit trade in under - the-counter magazines with brown paper covers. It seems that Norris is the secret leader of a bizarre cult - The Sons of the Bicycle Saddle - who like nothing better than feeling the firm leather of a racing saddle against their bare bottoms. In a desperate attempt to keep his job, Norris claims that his illicit sales of nude cycling magazines have boosted the shop's finances fivefold. Sales are further boosted when silver-haired sex machine Ken Barlow attempts to order the entire print run of the Summer issue of Gentleman's Relish. It seems that peeping tom and former supermarket manager Reg Holdsworth, desperate for money after failing to secure a panto season at Cleethorpes for the second year running, has sold some snaps of one of Ken and Diedre's consensual spanking sessions that he secretly took with his notorious telephoto lens. Ken fears that the sight of Diedre - her thunder bags round her ankles - bent over his knee whilst he warms her wrinkly buttocks, might be just too much for elderly residents of the street.
Meanwhile, down under in Neighbours, Ramsay Street residents are disturbed to hear that Harold Bishop has become a naturist and has taken to striding around the house clad only in his socks, glasses and tie. His grand daughter is unconvinced of the virtues of naturism - "Now, don't lets be hasty Sky!" Harold cautions her. "The Salvation Army has a special Nude Brigade nowadays, whose mission is to preach to the naturist community. They even have their own brass band - the thought of playing my instrument in the buff is quite exhilarating!" However, Sky bans any further nude tuba playing in the house after an unfortunate incident involving Harold's 'Life Partner' Lou Carpenter, two nuns and the Erinsboro Women's Institute all in wrestling team. The Neighbours production team is to be congratulated on the ingenious way Harold's nude scenes are shot, with various household objects - matchboxes, for instance, - carefully placed so as to obscure his privates. In another exciting development, Max "Interesting" Hoyland finds an incredibly hairy piece of string in the store room of his bar. He is convinced that this will finally win him the coveted Western Australia Hairy String Trophy - until, that is, he discovers that Dr Karl Kennedy possesses an even hairier piece of string - with a knot in it! An hilarious feud ensues.
A brief trip to Eastenders sees the mystery of Who Stabbed Dennis? resolved - it was Charles Dickens assisted by William Thackery. The two noted Victorian novelists had tired of Dennis' mangling of the English language and the caricature of the London working classes he represented, and so determined to kill him. Using HG Wells' time machine they travelled to 21st Century London. Unbeknownst to them, Jack the Ripper has escaped the 19th Century police by stowing away on the time machine and now intends to resume his grisly trade in Walford! Who will be his first victim? Will any of Albert Square's women escape his depraved clutches? More to the point, will the Ripper be able to escape the attentions of a rampant and aroused Pat, who, having been rogered by Patrick Trueman and his trilby, is now scouring the streets in search of a real man? Will Saucy Jack be Pat's next victim? Will he keep his top hat on in bed?
Finally, back in Coronation Street questions are being asked about the ingredients of Betty's hotpots after Kevin Webster complains of finding a finger in his. An investigation by Environmental Health Inspectors reveals traces of human remains in the Rovers Return kitchens. Inevitably the question is asked - was Mike Baldwin really cremated after his untimely death, or is he still very much with his friends on the street?
There's a terrible shock in store for Coronation Street's Vera Duckworth when the police come knocking at her door bearing bad news about her husband Jack. It appears that pigeon fancier Jack has also admitted to fancying ferrets, whippets and Shetland ponies - and has asked for thirteen similar offences involving unconsenting baboons to be taken into consideration. It seems that in these instances it went far beyond the fancying stage - a possible explanation for Jack and Vera's son Terry.
Over at the newsagents - that throbbing hub of commerce - Rita finally uncovers Norris' illicit trade in under - the-counter magazines with brown paper covers. It seems that Norris is the secret leader of a bizarre cult - The Sons of the Bicycle Saddle - who like nothing better than feeling the firm leather of a racing saddle against their bare bottoms. In a desperate attempt to keep his job, Norris claims that his illicit sales of nude cycling magazines have boosted the shop's finances fivefold. Sales are further boosted when silver-haired sex machine Ken Barlow attempts to order the entire print run of the Summer issue of Gentleman's Relish. It seems that peeping tom and former supermarket manager Reg Holdsworth, desperate for money after failing to secure a panto season at Cleethorpes for the second year running, has sold some snaps of one of Ken and Diedre's consensual spanking sessions that he secretly took with his notorious telephoto lens. Ken fears that the sight of Diedre - her thunder bags round her ankles - bent over his knee whilst he warms her wrinkly buttocks, might be just too much for elderly residents of the street.
Meanwhile, down under in Neighbours, Ramsay Street residents are disturbed to hear that Harold Bishop has become a naturist and has taken to striding around the house clad only in his socks, glasses and tie. His grand daughter is unconvinced of the virtues of naturism - "Now, don't lets be hasty Sky!" Harold cautions her. "The Salvation Army has a special Nude Brigade nowadays, whose mission is to preach to the naturist community. They even have their own brass band - the thought of playing my instrument in the buff is quite exhilarating!" However, Sky bans any further nude tuba playing in the house after an unfortunate incident involving Harold's 'Life Partner' Lou Carpenter, two nuns and the Erinsboro Women's Institute all in wrestling team. The Neighbours production team is to be congratulated on the ingenious way Harold's nude scenes are shot, with various household objects - matchboxes, for instance, - carefully placed so as to obscure his privates. In another exciting development, Max "Interesting" Hoyland finds an incredibly hairy piece of string in the store room of his bar. He is convinced that this will finally win him the coveted Western Australia Hairy String Trophy - until, that is, he discovers that Dr Karl Kennedy possesses an even hairier piece of string - with a knot in it! An hilarious feud ensues.
A brief trip to Eastenders sees the mystery of Who Stabbed Dennis? resolved - it was Charles Dickens assisted by William Thackery. The two noted Victorian novelists had tired of Dennis' mangling of the English language and the caricature of the London working classes he represented, and so determined to kill him. Using HG Wells' time machine they travelled to 21st Century London. Unbeknownst to them, Jack the Ripper has escaped the 19th Century police by stowing away on the time machine and now intends to resume his grisly trade in Walford! Who will be his first victim? Will any of Albert Square's women escape his depraved clutches? More to the point, will the Ripper be able to escape the attentions of a rampant and aroused Pat, who, having been rogered by Patrick Trueman and his trilby, is now scouring the streets in search of a real man? Will Saucy Jack be Pat's next victim? Will he keep his top hat on in bed?
Finally, back in Coronation Street questions are being asked about the ingredients of Betty's hotpots after Kevin Webster complains of finding a finger in his. An investigation by Environmental Health Inspectors reveals traces of human remains in the Rovers Return kitchens. Inevitably the question is asked - was Mike Baldwin really cremated after his untimely death, or is he still very much with his friends on the street?
Labels: Media Madness
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