On The Ball

I got very frustrated with the news yesterday. First of all, I was surprised by a headline on Ceefax telling me that Wayne Rooney was to travel with the rest of the England squad to Switzerland for this week's international match. Why is that news? I asked myself - as far as I knew he wasn't injured. Upon reading the story, it simply reiterated that he would be travelling, adding that this was in spite of 'newspaper stories about his private life', without elaborating further. For God's sake, you can't bloody tease like that! If you are going to lead with a headline like that, at least have the bloody courtesy to tell us what these allegations are! I should add here that I very rarely read the Sunday papers and I was away from my broadband connection yesterday. In desperation I turned first to the BBC News Channel, then Sky News, in a desperate attempt to find out exactly what heinous crime Rooney was being accused of by the tabloids. However, both proved to be as coy as the original Ceefax story, cock-teasing me in their summary of upcoming stories, implying that they would elaborate on these 'allegations', then failing to do so. The bastards!

Consequently, I was left having to speculate on the nature of Rooney's misdemeanours. Bearing in mind that England were playing Switzerland next, I thought that maybe he had done something to offend the Swiss. Perhaps he had been photographed by the paparazzi drunkenly shagging a piece of underage Swiss cheese, I thought. Although, on the whole, that just didn't seem quite horrendous enough to jeopardise his place in the England line-up. Indeed, the FA could easily have explained such an incident away as being part of Capello's strategy for psychologically undermining the Swiss prior to the match. More likely, I mused, he's done something to upset the footballing hierarchy. Then it came to me - obviously, during a BBC interview he'd whacked off into a bag of Walker's Crisps, then shaken them up, before offering them to England football legend, top BBC pundit and Walker's Crisps salesman Gary Lineker. If that didn't upset Gary 'Mr Nice' Lineker, nothing would, I reasoned. An outside possibility, I reckoned, was that a tabloid had named Rooney as William Hague's 'bit of rough' on the side. Anyway, when I finally got home last night, I eagerly switched on my laptop and looked up 'Rooney scandal' on the web. To my disappointment, it turned out that all he was accused of doing was cheating on his wife with a prostitute. I mean, that's hardly news, is it? Now, if it turns out the prostitute he was shagging was under the age of sixty, that might just be a story...

Off the Wrist 4

Which Spice Girl does it for you during the old five-knuckle shuffle? That’s what we want to know before the Spice Girls reunion tour finally grinds to a halt. Did their recent triumphant return bring back fond memories of your 1990s self-pleasuring? Is it Sporty, Posh, Scary, or Baby who gives you the best head on your handy shandy? Do they still do it for you? Do you imagine performing sexual gymnastics with lithe Mel C? Are you turned on by the icy aloofness of Posh Spice Victoria Beckham, (who, according to unconfirmed and doubtless completely unfounded football terrace chants, takes it up the bum)? Is the thought of leather-clad dominatrix Mel B tying you to an iron bedstead and giving you a damn good thrashing what gets you through the night? Perhaps you take after Gary Glitter and imagine giving a good hard caning to school uniform clad Emma? Or perhaps it is the thought of Ginger Spice Geri Haliwell giving you a tit-wank with her ample bosom whilst singing her number one hit “Lift Me Up” which gets you to the vinegar stroke every time.

Maybe it wasn’t a Spice Girl you thought of all those years ago of whilst bashing the bishop, maybe it was a three-in-a-bed romp with those naughty Appleton sisters from All Saints. What about the Celtic charms of Irish songstresses B*witched - dressed as nuns! A good seeing to was just what those Catholic girls needed, eh guys? Was it the thought of cavorting naked in a grain-silo with jail-bait Billie which gets you smiling like a wanking Jap? Which current pop totty does it for you nowadays? Maybe you’d like to get down and – quite literally – dirty with Amy Winehouse, or perhaps a spanking session with Girls Aloud gets your wanking spanners working. Whichever pop-totty it is you like to think of when you shake hands with the Devil, let us know. We’ll publish the results in a future post here and find out exactly who is top of the pop-shots! (Actually, don’t let us know, as we don’t give a toss - we’re just after a cheap laugh with this item. Mind you, if you do have any really bizarre masturbatory fantasies involving female pop-stars to share with us....)

Off The Wrist 3

Well, here we are with the third, and last, of our occasional series on the masturbatory fantasies of the rich and famous. Having examined the pud-pulling habits of Marc Bolan and Uri Gellar, this time we turn to legendary rock figure John Lennon. Recently released secret FBI files on John Lennon give us some insights into the thoughts of the ex-Beatle whilst he twanged the wire.

Transcripts of bugged telephone calls and private conversations from the early 1970s reveal Lennon discussing his plank spanking fantasies with close friends including Bob Dylan and Phil Spector. Whilst most of his fantasies seemed to run along conventional lines , in one phone conversation John is heard admitting that he had sometimes entertained some less-conventional homoerotic fantasies. "I was having a quick jodrell [Jodrell Bank - wank] in the bogs at Abbey Road while we were recording the 'White Album', when suddenly this picture of us dressed in our Sgt Pepper outfits popped into my mind," he reveals. "Before I knew it I was imagining a frolicking foursome with Paul, George and Ringo! Although all the other three were involved, it was definitely Paul that I was most attracted to - I think it was that blue uniform he was wearing. And the moustache. Oh, the moustache! Mind you, George looked pretty tasty in that three-cornered hat..." Lennon's admission is astounding, revealing an aspect to his character he normally vehemently suppressed - he once hit a reporter who suggested that there might be a homosexual relationship between Lennon and Beatles manager Brian Epstein.

The FBI files also reveal that whilst John was in India studying with the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, he mastered an arcane transcendental masturbation technique. This allowed him to go into a trance-like state whilst throttling the turkey, thereby allowing him to increase the endurance of this endeavour to several hours. These mammoth salami-slapping sessions were apparently accompanied by incredible sexual fantasies, which sometimes involved John becoming variously fabulously-endowed Hindu deities performing incredible sexual feats, such as shagging fifteen elephants on top of the Taj Mahal, in order to prove himself worthy of gaining a state of true nirvana. There is speculation amongst pop-historians that some of John's most famous lyrics were inspired by these experiences, with 'Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds' being cited as an example. It is claimed that the flowers 'That grow so incredibly high' are references to giant penises , whilst the 'bridge by a fountain' is obviously a metaphor for ejaculation and the 'train in a station' a euphemism for sexual intercourse. However, traditionalists fiercly deny that another famous Lennon number was inspired by his persistent masturbatory fantasy of making love to Yoko with two breadsticks in his mouth and slapping his hands together repeatedly at the moment of ejaculation shouting "I am the Walrus!", whilst McCartney threw fish to him.

Rogue MI5 agent David Shayler - a fat man who sometimes sports a silly goatee beard - has claimed that Britain's Security Service also held a file on Lennon detailing his truncheon oiling activities. According to Shayler the 1970-74 Conservative government considered Lennon a potentially dangerous moral influence on Britain's youth. They feared that if his transcendental wanking techniques became public knowledge they could lead to a serious drop in industrial productivity as young men followed Lennon's example and practiced their own, solitary, bed-ins. Indeed, the three-day week of early 1974 had to be introduced when some Lennon fans discovered that by playing his 'Mind Games ' LP backwards, you could hear Lennon describing the technique. Official sources have dismissed Shayler's claims as "Ludicrous".

Off The Wrist 2

Here we are again in the fascinating world of celebrity wanking. Following our investigations into the rub-a-tug fantasies of pop icon Marc Bolan, we now turn our attentions to world famous mystic and cutlery bender Uri Gellar. Of course, Gellar's extraordinary mental powers extend far beyond mere spoon bending. On a 1996 TV programme hosted by bikini-clad former Page Three girl Melinda Messenger, Gellar claimed to have induced simultaneous erections in over three million male viewers merely by the power of his mind. However, these same powers have often caused him problems in the snake milking department, with his penis sometimes bending into strange shapes. According to an unidentified source at Gellar's local casualty department, the mystic has been admitted there seven times in the past two years with bizarre dislocations of his purple pearler. On one memorable occasion, Doctors found Gellar's todger entwined with a twisted fork. Another time, they found its head embedded in a purple crystal. Amongst Gellar's most incredible claims is that whenever he has an erection at home, his TV can receive Channel Five.

These strange side-effects are not confined to Gellar. Apparently his powers can induce similar activity on the part of other people's members. His former neighbour recently told a Sunday newspaper that he had once woken up in the middle of the night screaming in agony, to find his penis tied in a knot. Poltergeist activity has also been known to accompany Gellar's T-bone tugging sessions. Indeed, entire drawers of cutlery have been found bent out of shape and, after one particularly satisfying wank on Gellar's part, several televisions exploded. "I blame that Gellar git", a local resident raged. "Every time he wanks off it spells chaos for the whole neighbourhood!"

According to sources close to Gellar, the Israeli mentalist often likes to indulge in masturbatory fantasies where his penis takes on astounding mystical powers of its own. Sometimes he likes to see it as a pendulum, being dangled over various objects to determine their composition. According to the nature of the material involved, his member gently rotates in a clockwise or anti-clockwise direction. When it detects gold, it rotates four times clockwise before springing up in a huge erection at the moment of ejaculation. Naturally, Gellar likes to imagine his pecker spewing forth a river of liquid gold at this moment. Another favourite tug fantasy of the champion bender involves him using his wab as a dowsing rod. In this fantasy he allegedly imagines himself in a field, naked, clasping his penis firmly in his hands, like a water diviner. As he strides around the field, his knob begins to twitch as he approaches hidden springs. The closer he gets, the more violent the twitching becomes and the firmer he has to grip his bulging John Thomas. Finally, as he is directly above the water source, it springs out of his hands and ejaculates a huge spume of water. In a variation on this fantasy, it is claimed that Gellar sometimes imagines himself walking through a field full of beautiful women. As he points his divining rod at them, they collapse into paroxysms of sexual ecstasy, moaning his name.

Some have claimed that Gellar sees his penis as a channel for ancient earth forces and he once claimed that it lay at the convergence of several important ley lines. The climax of his masturbatory fantasies certainly seems to have mystical connotations. "When I ejaculate it is not just a matter of jism flying across the room!", he told Fortean Times. " I see a rainbow of psychic auras arcing away from my penis! When the jism lands, it forms into crystals with amazing properties!" So, do Uri Gellar's masturbatory fantasies confirm his status as one of history's truly great mystics, or are they just a load of old bollocks? We let you decide.

Off The Wrist

It is possibly the greatest male pastime of them all - the masturbatory fantasy. Where do your thoughts wander to as you tug the T-bone? Perhaps you fantasise about that bored young housewife next door doing her household chores, and imagine bending her across the ironing board and giving her one from behind. Or perhaps you wander further afield, to the realms of getting it off with famous showbiz totty (which of Girls Aloud is your masturbatory fantasy?). In the first of an occaisional series, Sleaze Diary investigates the world of celebrity wanking - just what do the rich and famous think of as they are "feeding the ducks"? Do they harbour the same sordid fantasies as we mere mortals, or do they reach a higher level of fulfilment? To kick off this feature, 'Off The Wrist' this time looks at the mastubatory fantasies of seventies glam-rock icon Marc Bolan.

Bolan was an acknowledged master of paddling the pink canoe - fellow glam-rocker Noddy Holder is reputed to have called him "the biggest wanker in the business". According to those who knew him at the time, the T-Rex singer dedicated much of his short life to perfecting his white water wristing techniques. "Every spare moment he had, he liked to practice", recollects Wizzard's Roy Wood. "He liked to jerk the gherkin in rhythm with whatever was playing on the radio - I once saw him keep it going all through Queen's 'Bohemian Rhapsody'. Indeed, some have claimed that it was Bolan's devotion to Madam Palm and her five sisters that led to his demise, with unconfirmed reports that he was shifting the stick when he lost control of his Mini Cooper, resulting in a fatal crash.

Next to riding the baloney pony, Bolan's abiding interest was magic and the occult. Indeed, bisexual Bolan - who included the late "Carry On" star Kenneth Williams amongst his male lovers - once claimed to have shagged a wizard in a Paris hotel room, although it is not clear whether he meant that he had had sex with a black magician or the whole of Roy Wood's band. His one-time girlfriend, Trixie Tenpin, has claimed that Bolan confided to her that many of his masturbatory fantasies involved magic, a favourite being that he could control the weather with his penis. However, this paraticular masturbatory fantasy became an obsession for Bolan after a bizarre incident in 1973. Whilst having a sly hand solo in his hotel room between performances, lightning suddenly struck a tree outside the window. It was literally a bolt from the blue, as there was not a cloud in the sky. Bolan was badly shaken by the experience, and insisted that in future lightning conductors be erected wherever he was spanking the plank. "He became somewhat paranoid", Tenpin says. "He began to suspect that his cock was somehow attracting the elements. From that moment on he took to wearing rubber underwear and rubber soled shoes to insulate himself."

Bolan's ultimate monkey spanking experience came in 1975, when he decided to put the power of his ham shanking to the test. He determined to vigourously polish his rocket during a rare alignment of Neptune, Jupiter and Venus. He reasoned that if his hampton was as powerful as he suspected, then jacking off at the moment of alignment would cause catastrophic events such as tidal waves and earthquakes. Locking himself in the luxurious master bedroom of his Hampstead mansion, Bolan prepared himself for the great moment - carefully rubbing vaseline gel into his hands so as to avoid a dangerous build up of friction during his pork pounding. However, this was to prove his undoing. As he neared his climax, groaning in anticipation and violently shaking the bed, his hands slipped, causing him to miss a stroke, resulting in him icing his fingers a minute too late. Consequently, there were no earthquakes or tidal waves recorded that night, although Iggy Pop's toilet apparently collapsed as he was dropping a particularly large log at the exact moment Bolan climaxed his performance. "Marc was very dejected", Tenpin told us. "But he never gave up on his ideas and kept scanning the astrological charts, waiting for another major planetary conjunction." Alas, the grim reaper intervened before he was able to complete his experiments.