Whacko Jacko Whacked by Grim Reaper

With the 'King of Pop' barely cold on his mortuary slab, speculation as to the manner of his demise is already rife. "I heard he was whacking off over a stack of child pornography and the excitement was just too much for his heart," claims internet muckraker Hernandez Savoy, who claims to have impeccable sources. "Apparently he suddenly leapt up, one arm thrown upwards, the other hand clutching his groin, shouting 'Owww', before collapsing. At least that's what the sister of his maid's best friend's cousin told me - and she's as good as an eyewitness!" There have also been a plethora of bizarre stories concerning the fate of Jacko's body. "Repo men have already gone in to to seize all those prosthetic bits which were stopping his face from collapsing," confides Savoy. "For the past five years, all his cosmetic surgery has been done on credit, and he was way behind in the payments." According to Savoy the star's collection of child pornography has also been seized in lieu of debts.

Despite a post mortem finding that Michael Jackson died of natural causes, some members of his family have declared that they suspect foul play and believe a cover-up is in progress, and the LAPD still wants to interview Jacko's doctor. However, some sources are claiming the star might not be dead - that the whole furore is a result of mistaken identity. "When they carried out the autopsy the pathologists were amazed to find that the body wasn't even human - it was a chimp," says an excited Savoy. "It's all true - some guy who cleans the pool of one of the lab techs at the morgue has even got some photoshopped pictures of what it might have looked like!" Savoy's 'reliable sources' believe that Jackson may have switched places with the chimp as long ago as 2004, in an attempt to escape the bad publicity surrounding the court case in which he was acquitted of child molestation. "It would explain a lot of his weird behaviour in recent years - picking his ass in public, crapping all over the furniture and stuff," muses Savoy. "It would also explain why his doctor's only medical qualifications are in veterinary science!" He claims that, even now, the police are searching zoos and homes for retired chimps all over California, in the hope of finding Jackson. Despite their obvious credibility, Savoy's exclusives - aired on his eponymous blog - have been dismissed by fellow bottom-feeders. "It's all nonsense, this crap about apes and fatal ODs on kiddie porn," declares rival celebrity blogger Ronnie Quim. "Isn't it obvious what's happened? Jacko spent years establishing an alternative identity - his 'sister' LaToya. The 'LaToya' persona has now become the dominant personality! Nobody died - except that down and out he murdered to provide a fake corpse."