Talking Dirty

One of the things I thought that I'd miss when I abandoned cable in favour of Freeview were those ten minute previews the adult channels used to run around midnight. I swear that all the 'highlights' of these channels were packed into those ten minutes - quite why anyone felt the need to subscribe for more was beyond me. Whilst programmes with titles like The Adventures of Walter Clitty might seem amusing when you only have to see thirty seconds at a time of them, I can guarantee that having to endure the full thirty minutes would have been agonising. One thing I learned about pornography at a very early age was that it is extremely boring in bulk. The novelty very quickly wears off. Porn films, in particular, are utterly tedious. There are only so many times you can watch the same people humping in different positions. Besides, for the male viewer heterosexual smut always carries the risk of seeing exposed male genitalia, which is a huge turn off, (not to mention the fact that those hugely hung porno actors always make us feel inadequate), that's why we prefer full-on hot lesbo action.

Anyway, getting back to the point, of late we Freeview viewers have been treated to two late-night non-subscription channels featuring semi-naked young ladies writhing about on a bed as they talk on the phone to punters. That's how they make their money - idiots, (presumably back from the pub and pissed), calling or texting them. Just lately both channels have been running in split-screen, presenting two-for-the price-of-one (or, to be more accurate, in view of what most men will be focusing on, four-for-the-price-of-one), and, presumably, twice as many idiots prepared to call a premium rate phone line for the privilege of talking to some bird with her norks out. Increasingly, I've found myself wondering what exactly is it that you are meant to talk to them about? Is it a bit like one of those telephone enquiry services where they answer your questions? In which case, should I call in tonight and see if any of the topless beauties can enlighten me as to whether a Jaffa Cake is a biscuit, (actually, it isn't, as biscuits are hard-baked)? Or perhaps they could give me an answer to that other burning question - other than clay and grass, what other surfaces is tennis played on? Maybe I can finally get an answer to that great philosophical conundrum - if a girl gets her norks out on TV, but there are no drunkards viewing, is she still being exploited?