Counter Crop World

Top cerealologist Frank Dibble has rocked the paranormal world by sensationally claiming that the crop circles regularly seen in Southern England are part of a sinister conspiracy between the British government and aliens. He told the recent annual paranormal enthusiasts convention - Weirdcon - in Birmingham that he had evidence from environmental groups that the fields the circles appeared in had all been planted with genetically modified cereal. “These cereals have been specially developed in secret government laboratories and are genetically pre-programmed to collapse into certain complex patterns upon receipt of a signal broadcast from beyond the Earth’s atmosphere,” he claimed. “The predetermined patterns are a message to the aliens assisting in the genetic modification programme that the experiment has been successful!” He believes that the mysterious signal triggering the circles’ formation emanates from a planet occupying the same orbit as our own, but which is always on the opposite side of the Sun to us - a Counter-Earth - and is bounced off of a secret relay station on the moon. “It is the complete mirror image of Earth - a planet governed by pure evil,” he explains. “The relay station was stumbled on by an Apollo moon mission which was captured by the aliens - the astronauts were replaced by their evil doubles, who came to our earth and infiltrated the upper echelons of NASA, which has been in cahoots with them ever since!”

According to Dibble, the Counter-Earth is drowning in its own evil and rapidly becoming uninhabitable and its denizens are seeking a new home planet - our Earth. “They’ve already replaced many of our own leaders,” he told delegates to the Weirdcon. “I’ve seen X-rays of Gordon Brown and David Cameron taken during routine medicals which show that organs are transposed, their hearts on the right instead of the left! They’re mirror people!” In order to survive, the mirror people also need mirror food - foodstuffs with all of their molecules transposed - this is the true purpose of genetically modified plants. However, Dibble believes that the ultimate aim of the genetic experiments may be even more sinister: “They may be aiming to convert us all to mirror people, our molecular structures reversed by ingesting their genetically modified food. Before you know it, we’ll be welcoming their evil invasion force with open arms - they won't have to conquer us, we’ll simply invite them in!” He believes that there is only one way to fight back - the destruction of crop circles wherever they appear. “Trample the bloody things down! Plough them up! Burn the crops! If they can’t see the messages, they’ll believe their plan is failing - its our only hope!”