Have You Been Shagged By a Spy?

How likely is it that you’ve been shagged by a spy? Well, you never know, especially if you work on sensitive government projects or are employed in a security cleared position. They’re out there you know, just waiting for some likely prey to pounce on, and the worst thing is - they look just like us! So, how would you know if you’d been bonked by the Stasi, or received a golden shower courtesy of the Kremlin? Forget about being able to spot them by their huge false moustaches, or by the fact that they have a hammer and sickle tattooed on each breast or a portrait of Lenin on their knob. And who is to say that its a foreign spy out to steal our secrets who has given you a good seeing to? It could be one of our own agents, testing your loyalty and checking for leaks - they are the most difficult to spot!

However, there are some tell-tale signs to look out for. If your partner has a predilection for playing with your nipples during love-making - beware! This could be reflexive behaviour conditioned by years of twiddling the knobs on their radio sets as they attempt to attune them. Moreover, be very careful if, instead of them inviting you to perform oral sex on their genitals they ask you to speak the words “Mary Had a Little Lamb” two inches from their penis or vagina - they could be carrying out a sound check for cunningly concealed microphones. You should also think twice if your partner tries to persuade you to indulge in any form of kinky sex, such as a three in abed romp with a goat or making love to a skate. This could be a sign that they are an internal security agent checking you out for aberrant behaviour. Remember, even agreeing to do it with the light on could lead to you being stripped of your security clearances and dismissed from your sensitive government post.

So, do you think you’ve ever been shagged by a spy? If so, let us know. We’re offering fabulous prizes for every successful conviction resulting from a tip-off from one of our readers! We are also offering prizes for the reader who has been shagged by operatives from the greatest number of intelligence agencies. Can you prove that you’ve had polony parties with a complete set of the CIA, NSA, DIA, KGB, GRU, MI6 and MOSSAD? Remember, double agents don’t count twice!