Nude Mobbing

A Buckinghamshire branch of the furniture retailer Ikea recently found itself temporarily overrun by nudists. “Ten or twelve of them at a time were leaping onto the display beds and indulging in wild an energetic sex,” claims Ralph Milner, assistant manager of the Swedish chain's Quainton Road branch, who suffered third degree friction burns to his groin when his polyester trousers were ripped off by a naked reveller. “The springs just weren’t designed to take that kind of thing -they all collapsed!” Milner admits that he remains mystified by the whole incident. “At first I thought it was some kind of performance art thing, where they get all those naked women to tun up. Then I realised that there were blokes with this lot, and a lot of them, both male and female, were bloody ugly! I don’t call that art!” Police suspect that the Ikea store incident was another example of the so-called ‘Nude Mobbing’ craze. “It’s like ‘Flash Mobbing’, where large groups of people would be organised by mobile phone to just turn up at a particular location for a few minutes,” says Inspector Tim Carling of Bucks Constabulary. “This new activity seems to be aimed at creating an affront to decency through mass demonstrations of public nudity!”

Carling himself has first hand experience of ‘Nude Mobbing’, having been caught in an earlier incident on London’s Westminster Bridge. “I was driving to Scotland Yard for a police conference one Monday morning, when scores of pedestrian commuters suddenly tore their clothes off and started jumping all over vehicles,” he says. “They were pulling people off of buses and forcibly stripping them! I found my car immobilised by some fellow sticking his todger up my exhaust! When I got out of the car to remonstrate with him, I found myself overwhelmed by the mob and my uniform being pulled off! Before I knew it one woman had my truncheon between her legs, whilst another one squatted over my blue helmet! It was most humiliating!” Like the Ikea riot, the Westminster Bridge incident ended as abruptly as it started, with the participants putting their clothes back on and melting back into the general populace. Whilst the authorities suspect that militant naturists, determined to force a change in Britain’s public nudity laws, could be behind this new craze, others suspect that more sinister forces could be involved. "Mark my words, this is all down to 'Police State Britain'," opines top conspiracy theorist Tommy Dodd. "I have it on good authority that these 'nude mobbing' incidents are the result of a faulty batch of those ultrasonic devices they use to drive teenagers away from shopping centres. If the sonic resonances they put out are even slightly off-frequency, they interfere with the parts of the adult human brain dealing with inhibitions, inducing an urge in anyone standing close enough to tear their clothes off and copulate wildly!"