Father, Son and Holy Car Dealer

Church leaders disatisfied with Pope Benedict XVI's highly conservative papacy are reportedly already lining up potential successors. "He's no spring chicken," observes Bishop Jim Bazonga, a prominent member of the Roman Catholic Church's liberal wing. "He could pop his clogs at any time - we need to be prepared!" Perhaps most surprisingly, Bazonga and his colleagues are currently favouring an outside candidate from a breakaway Catholic sect - the West Midlands Catholic Church. “Their thinking is that this sect’s leader will be untainted by the Benedict regime,” explains top theologian Billy Wotters. “He would represent a clean slate and an unprecedented opportunity to modernise the Church with fresh ideas.”

The West Midlands Catholic Church leader, Adrian Clapster, a second hand car dealer and self-styled Pope of Birmingham, would represent a radical change of direction for the Vatican if he were to become its leader. He has already courted controversy with his beatification programme, which included making the late Princess Diana the patron saint of adulterers and Gary Glitter patron saint of child pornographers. However, he has built his reputation upon the miracles he has regularly performed on his Stourbridge car lot. Mrs Sarah Hindside, a parishioner, recalls: “I once took back a Vauxhall Astra I’d bought from him, it was clearly on its last legs and I was preparing to complain to Trading Standards. But Pope Adrian opened the bonnet and laid his hands on the engine and cried out to the heavens ‘Lord, I implore you to restore this good woman’s vehicle to life - heal its worn pistons and frayed hoses and make it whole again!’ Incredibly, it then started first time and ran perfectly for another six days!” His Holiness has apparently been happy to keep Mrs Hindside’s vehicle going through regular ‘services’ at his ‘auto-temple’, for a modest contribution of £20 an hour to church funds. Many of his congregation have similar stories to tell.

Wotters recently caught up with Pope Adrian at the Birmingham Vatican - a modest semi-detached house in Sutton Coldfield - where he told the theologian that he was looking forward to the challenge of modernising the Roman Catholic Church. In particular, Pope Adrian believes that the church should become more involved in the media. “The Pope should have a regular TV show on which he performs minor miracles and ordinary worshippers come on to show their stigmata- it’d be an incredible ratings winner”. He also believes that the church could generate more funds by endorsing suitable products and selling some of its services. “Its a great brand image”, he enthused. “Instantly recognised throughout the world and inextricably linked with Ultimate Good!” Whilst many Catholics might baulk at the idea of a used car salesman becoming their spiritual leader, Wotters believes that stranger things have already happened at the Vatican. “Let’s not forget the case of Pope Simon XXIV - when he died in 1532 it was discovered that he was a horse,” he muses. “At least Pope Adrian would bring some solid spiritual values back to the Church, not to mention a fantastic vehicle breakdown and recovery service for Catholic motorists.”