Nose Rage!

It's amazing what you can find in the local press, this from the Leatherhead Weekly Free Advertiser of 8 June 2006:

Surrey police are warning men with larger than average noses to be on their guard and, where possible, avoid the streets altogether after dark, following a vicious and apparently unprovoked 'Nose Rage' attack on a 44 year old Guildford man. Frank Gudgeon, a local carpet fitter, was struck down from behind by an unseen assailant shortly after he left the Old Holborn Arms public house in the town centre last Tuesday night. His attacker was apparently enraged at the abnormally large size of Mr Gudgeon's nose. "He kept shouting 'You think you are so clever, don't you, you big-nosed bastard, eh? Think you are so much better than the rest of us with your king size conk, eh? I bet your wife hires you out as an anteater!', as he repeatedly kicked me," recalls Gudgeon. "He seemed to be deliberately targeting my nose. I know its big - even as a kid I was teased by the other children. They used to call me 'trunky' and 'King Conk' - but there is really no need for this sort of thing. What have I ever done to him? The bloke must be a nutter!"

"Clearly this man feels very threatened by large noses - perhaps his is abnormally small, or he had a nose job that went horribly wrong - in any event, he is highly dangerous and should not be approached," a Surrey police spokesperson has told the press. He also revealed that this is not the first such attack. The Metropolitan police say that a retired Army Sergeant was severly bludgeoned and his nose broken in a similar incident in April. In this instance the assailant reportedly shouted "Who do you think you are, Cyrano de-frigging-Bergerac?" and taunted his victim by saying "I bet you have heavy lorries driving in and out of your nostrils all day as they mistake 'em for the Blackwall Tunnel!" and "I hear the makers of Concorde are going to sue you for breach of copyright!"

Police cannot say if the incidents are linked, whether the same attacker was involved in both, or whether they are merely the first incidences in a major outbreak of 'Nose Rage' - something experts have been warning of for several years now. "As Britain's streets become more crowded, it is inevitable that there will be a backlash against air-guzzling large nose that take up more than twice as much valuable road space as normal ones," says top daytime TV psychologist Dr Martin O' Nads.