Skeggie!

We've all heard of Nessie - the Loch Ness Monster - and all the tourists, monster hunters, occultists and general weirdos and their money she brings to Scotland, so why not the Skegness monster? I mean, the Lincolnshire seaside resort is, for most people in England, easier to reach than some remote lake in Scotland, with the added bonus that the language spoken by the locals is closer to English than anything heard North of the border. I've often thought that a monster could provide Skegness with the perfect tourist attraction - once you've got it set up with a few sightings and some blurry out of focus photos, its maintenance costs would be minimal as word of mouth would quickly take over!

Indeed, a few years ago, I and a former colleague were going to put a proposal to create 'Skeggie' to the town's council. We planned to start off with some mysterious noises (provided by a foghorn, or similar) the next time the sea mist rolled in and engulfed the town (we assumed that they had sea mists there - neither of us had ever actually visited Skegness - I still haven't). We'd follow that up with some mysterious footprints on the beach, before working up to the first sightings - shadowy shapes glimpsed through the next sea mist. The next stage would be the first 'proper' sightings - something vaguely penis shaped sticking up out of the sea. This sort of thing is best seen from a distance by tourists, who will inevitably photograph it and try to sell said pictures to the press. Of course, it is essential that the 'thing' they spot is never actually seen clearly enough to be properly identified. Once it becomes too concrete, the magic and mystery vanish. Its always got to be something that might be a plesiosaur, but then again could just as easily be a floating branch or a lump of raw effluent drifting on the ebb-tide - the debates generated by such vagueness provide great publicity and help keep the whole bandwagon moving. By this time, the local press and whacko mags (Fortean Times, Monster Spotter's Weekly, and the like) would be lapping it up, the next logical step would be to get the national media interested. There's always one sure fire way to do this: children. As soon as kids are imperiled in some way, the tabloids will be there with screaming headlines! So, the obvious thing to do would be to bung someone a few quid to dress up in seaweed and chase some kiddies around the local caves (again, I merely assume that Skegness has caves), preferably with something vaguely resembling a schlong hanging out - the papers would go wild over a 'monster peadophile' angle. By this stage in the scheme, 'Skeggie'-mania would guaranteed - hats, fluffy toys, inflatables - you could flog the lot if they were monster related. The local chip shops (which, I'm reliably informed, make up 95% of Skegness' main street), would be able to sell 'Skeggie' burgers (the buns could have cardboard monster heads and tails stuck to them) and 'Skeggie' shaped fillets of cod.

In the event, of course, we never did get round to actually putting this proposal to the council - beer intervened. I was reminded of it the other day when yet more 'Lake Monster' pictures started appearing in the press - this time involving a Canadian lake. Aha, I thought, just in time for the tourist season... Anyway, cynicism aside, I'm still convinced that I have the real solution to the Loch Ness mystery - all sightings of the so-called monster could be explained by a whale with an erection swimming on its back. Think about it - its all there: the long neck and smallish head suddenly vanishing below the water, the hump-like body. Hell, its more convincing than that other recent 'explanation' - that it was all down to elephants swimming in the Loch!