Right On!

I'm still fascinated by this 'Coolservative' bollocks. It just smacks of desperation, as Tory supporters, battered by three successive general election defeats (face it guys, when Blair can start a widely reviled illegal war and still kick you arses at the polls, you just have to accept that people don't like you), attempt to convince themselves that this time they've elected the right leader. Not another out of touch public schoolboy - that really would be madness. The part of this fantasy I like best is the deluded notion that the Tory party is somehow going to convince young people that an institution dedicated to preserving the existing social order and distribution of wealth, which is backed by big business and which has condemned out of hand virtually every manifestation of youth culture since 1888, is somehow 'cool'. At least David Cameron seems, in contrast to certain of his predecessors, to realise that simply wearing a a baseball cap and going to Alton Towers isn't the best way to get down with the kids. OH no, he's far too savvy and au fait with youth culture for that. Instead he spreads his message via Radio One interviews, appearances on community radio stations which play that modern-type hip hop music and - here's the masterstroke - employs 'Saint' Bob Geldof as an advisor.

That's right; he gets in a middle-aged bloke who hasn't released a decent record in years (or ever, some would say) to try and appeal to the kids. You can see the thinking: those crazy kids just flock to those 'Band Aid'-type events old Geldof organises (the one's which condemn the third world poverty created, in large part, by the activities of the very big businesses which back the Tories), clearly he's in touch and knows what's what! No, I'm not convinced they've got the right man. Who they need is Radio One's Tim Westwood (sorry, just Westwood). He's perfect: a middle aged, middle class white bloke who regularly makes a fool of himself by trying to pretend he's black in order to ingratiate himself with the kids. A crash course from Westwood in street-speak would leave 'Cameron' (no first name needed when speaking to the kids) fully equipped to get in touch with the youth vote.

I can see the party election broadcast now; Cameron reaching out to Britain's youth from behind a set of decks, telling them that he has 'the heaviest policies' in his manifesto, whereas New Labour's manifesto was 'just crazy, man', and that if they wanted to 'run with the Big Dog' they should vote Tory. Imagine him out on the streets campaigning in his shades and gold chains, telling some poor sick homeless bastard 'I can see you've got issues man, and I'm reaching out to you'. Watching him being interviewed by Paxman on Newsnight would be unmissable;

Paxman: "Mr Cameron, what do you think about Iran's attempts to expand its nuclear programme in the face of international opposition?"

Cameron: "Man, that's huge! Them's two World's that should never meet! If they continue trying to get their hands on the big bombs, someone should pop a cap in their ass!"

Paxman: "Yeees, what about drugs, should they be decriminalised?"

Cameron: "All those drugs are dirty man. I mean, the kids should remember: crack is wack!"

Paxman: "You like to present yourself as representing a new direction for Conservatism, nonetheless, you can't deny the continuing influence of Mrs Thatcher on the party, surely?"

Cameron: "Man, she was some mad sexy bitch who put a bomb under British politics and blew away the consensus, but I say its time to send that uncaring shit south, reach out to the people and feel their pain!"

At which point he launches into a heart-felt rap about the need to control the money supply whilst preserving the social infrastructure...