Another Unsolved Mystery

Once again, I find my thoughts turning to those great mysteries of the world: does the Yeti exist, who built stonehenge, and whatever happened to John Noakes? The fate of the cheeky cheery former Blue Peter presenter has perplexed the minds of those of us who grew up with him scaling Nelson's Column, jumping out of aeroplanes and being crapped on by elephants. Apart from his all-too brief sojourn as host of Go With Noakes, his adult-orientated follow-up to Blue Peter, in which he made weekly attempts to persuade the most attractive models, actresses and general crumpet 'go' with him every week, nothing has been heard of this intrepid TV adventurer.

According to urban legend, Noakes embarked on a solo round-the-world yacht voyage after being spurned by long-time unrequited object of infatuation Irene Handel in the last episode of Go With Noakes. She apparently opted to go with a hoover attachment instead. Shortly after setting sail Noakes vanished - despite exhaustive searches of Twickenham and Cricklewood, no trace of him or his boat have ever been found. One popular theory to explain his disappearance is that he ran aground on a woman named Rita in Streeatham shortly after setting sail. After several days foundering on her ample breasts, he apparently managed to swim southwards and was apparently spotted in the saloon bar of a pub in Tooting, where he was rescued by a group of passing Russian sailors. Despite occaisional unconfirmed sightings in pubs as far afield as Spitalfields and even Woolwich, there has been no concrete information as to his fate.

The BBC did, allegedly, make some attempts to locate him (mainly to try and claim back the £3.50 in expenses he was mistakenly awarded when issued with a first class rail ticket rather than the usual second class for a trip to a glass works in Stoke in 1975). Most notable of these was when his Blue Peter successor Peter Duncan was despatched to Luton in an episode of his post-Blue Peter series, Duncan Dares. Sandwiched between the episode where he dared to appear in a porn film, and the one in which he dared to stick his todger between the jaws of a man-eating tiger, this programme followed Duncan as he trawled the seedy bars and back streets of Luton in search of the lost Noakes. Despite suffering dysentry (two buckets), being bitten by wild prostitutes and being chased out of a gay club by a band of semi-naked savages, he could find no trace of his predecessor.

So, if you have any information as to the current whereabouts of John Noakes, don't hesitate to contact us - with your help, we might be able to finally lay to rest one of the modern world's most enduring unsolved mysteries!