Giving Christ the Horn

You know, I think I've finally figured out why the Roman Catholics and all those other Holy Joes have such a huge downer on the Da Vinci Code - basically, it is because it implies that Jesus Christ had a penis. Let's face it, if, as the book claims, instead of dying on the cross he shacked up with Mary Magdalene and founded a whole dynasty, he most definitely must have been in possession of a fully functioning todger. Of course, the picture this paints, of a fully equipped Christ with an active sex life, rather undermines (so they see it) the divinity of the Saviour. Apparently, you can't be holy and get your end away. However, that rather ignores the fact that the Bible clearly tells us that Christ was part divine and part man (and as Derek and Clive concluded, you can guarantee that it was the bottom half which was human). Indeed, it is surely his essentially human nature which allows us mere mortals to identify with the Messiah - to elevate him to an entirely divine status (as the church seems to want to do), is surely to alienate the average person on the street from him. It is difficult to identify with, let alone sympathise with, a remote and ethereal figure.

But really, just what is so bad about Jesus having a wang? Couldn't they work it into the recruitment spiel: "Convert to Christianity and you are guaranteed an Almighty schlong!" Of course, if he it turned out that he wasn't so well endowed, that could be a turn off in conversion terms. Perhaps that's the real conspiracy which the catholic church is involved with - an attempt to cover up the fact that their saviour was hung like a gnat! I can see it now - heretical renaissance nude studies of Christ made by Da Vinci destroyed, other paintings retouched to 'fill out' that loincloth as he hangs on the cross...

Mind you, Derek and Clive could have been wrong, and the lower half of Christ could have been the holy part. Maybe he had a divine penis with amazing powers. (There's one question which Dan Brown fails to address: did both the heavens and earth move for Mary Magdalene when she got it on with JC?) Perhaps he went around healing the sick by laying his penis on them - blind women suddenly regaining their sight after being poked in the eye with the knob of God. In which case, was it any wonder he ended up sentenced to death? Was the 'Spear of Destiny' actually a euphemism for the Jesus' old man? Did the Nazis spend years searching for the pickled penis of Christ believing it had incredible healing powers? Cue Dan Brown's next bestseller...