Twenty Four Hours From London...

So, according to Keifer Sutherland, a film version of '24', set in London, is a possibility. Well, there's no doubt in my mind that a London setting would add a few novel twists to Jack Bauer's perennial attempts to get that planning application for his garage conversion into the local planning office before the deadline. Actually, I don't know why he leaves it so late every year, or how it is he's managed to upset his neighbours so much they're willing to take extreme measures, such as threatening to nuke LA, in order to block his application. Maybe that's why he comes to London, for a spot of relaxation and Christmas shopping. But let's face it, just getting around Britain's capital would present him with major problems, with or without terrorist intervention. Within the first hour he'd undoubtedly find his Ford (or whichever motor manufacturer is sponsoring it this time around) clamped as the result of not having paid the congestion charge. Angry scenes would inevitably follow, with clampers being beaten up with their own clamps, before being bundled into the back of their own van and driven to the offices of London Mayor (and congestion charge mastermind) Ken Livingstone. Unfortunately for Jack, Livingstone is suspended for a month after telling a neo-Nazi protestor who had refused to pay the congestion charge that he was as tight-fisted as a Jew.

Jack instead settles for torturing one of Livingstone's aides in an attempt to get his car released. However, even having his scrotum scorched with a soldering iron can't force this dedicated official to go against Ken's orders. Indeed, he points out to Jack that the congestion charge has proven to be a major deterrent to terror attacks in London - everyone knows the average Al Qaida terrorist is too tight-fisted to pay the congestion charge, and therefore will think twice before menacing the metropolis with car bombs! That's why the July seventh bombers were using the tubes and buses and arrived in London by train...

Before Jack can inflict further pain on the official his phone rings - shocking news! His daughter Kim has missed her bus whilst visiting the South Bank and is being menaced by a leery group of Big Issue sellers outside Waterloo Station! He immediately swings into action, only to find his rescue attempts falling at the first hurdle as he finds himself barred from the Number Fifty Seven bus when the driver decides that the automatic pistol, nerve gas canisters and plastic explosives Jack's carrying constitute a serious health and safety hazard to other passengers. Hijacking a passing black cab at gunpoint, he rushes to Kim's aid, kneecapping three of the Big Issue sellers. Blowing up the cab to cover their escape, the duo make for the Underground, only to find there's a tube strike on - this is finally too much for Jack! 'Interrogating' a group of picketing tube workers by forcing their heads into their blazing brazier, Bauer learns the name address of the Union leader responsible for the strike. Hijacking a passing car, Jack hurries to the Union leader's house and takes his family hostage, before phoning the man and threatening to kill his family one by one, starting with his wife, unless the strike is ended immediately... However, his plans are once again sent awry when he realises that he's once more lost Kim - a frantic phone call reveals that she's lost her purse and all her money and is being forced to sell herself to a sleazy minicab driver in order to return to the safety of their hotel!

And worst of all, Jack still hasn't finished his Christmas shopping...