Bird Brained

Today's Guardian included a full-colour wall chart of British garden birds. I remain mystified as to what I'm meant to do with this - the shark wall chart from yesterday was easy to get rid of, donated to a work colleague's shark-obsessed nephew. However, no one seems terribly interested in our feathered friends. I mean, does The Guardian expect me to mount it on my living room wall and tick off the birds I see in my back garden? Who the hell do they think I am, Bill Oddie? As far as I'm concerned, birds are no better than vermin and should be shot. Especially the ones which shit all over my car.

Sadly, I don't even have a cat any more, otherwise I'd sit down with said feline and use the wall chart to train him to identify the rarest garden birds to go out and hunt. Anything to upset those bloody ornithologists and conservationists who insist that domestic cats are the main reason for a decline in the British bird population. Do these people know anything about cats? The average furbag couldn't catch a cold - they spend most of their time lounging around in their 'natural' environment (a centrally heated living room), shedding fur all over the furniture and sharpening their claws on the carpet. Besides, I have no sympathy for any bird stupid enough to get itself caught by a cat - they've got wings for God's sake! Why don't they just fly away! Not only that, but the last cat I had didn't even kill birds - she just used to bring them home stunned, drop them in my bedroom and watch in fascination as the bloody things came to, panicked and started flying around the room shitting!

Anyway, at least cats don't shit on my car.