Dial N For Nonce

According to the BBC, a significant number of callers to a Radio One help line set up to help victims of sexual abuse are themselves abusers. Is the Beeb really surprised? They probably think that it is actually there to give them tips on how best to sexually abuse kiddies - you know, what type of sweets are best to tempt the under eights with, or how best to affix your false moustache when lurking in the bushes. Not that I blame them really - I mean, it can't be easy getting into that kind of thing can it? Where do you start? It isn't as if you can go to your local careers advice office and ask them exactly what qualifications you need to become a nonce. Colleges aren't much help either, as I don't recall ever seeing any diploma courses in paedophilia featured in their prospectuses. But supposing you do make a choice to pursue a career in sexual deviance - how do you know for sure which one is for you? Are there aptitude tests? After all, if you plumped for voyeurism, say, invested in lots of expensive cameras and surveillance equipment, only to find it didn't give you the horn, you'd be well pissed off.

Clearly, they need a proper career structure. There's no point trying to leap straight into the complex stuff like stalking if you haven't already mastered the basics of simple indecent exposure, bicycle saddle sniffing and surreptitious groping on crowded tube trains. Perhaps they could serve apprenticeships with established sex offenders? Or even just a mentoring scheme whereby registered sex offenders give guidance to the novices as part of the conditions of their probation? Make them give something back! There's no doubt in my mind, putative sex offenders need far more guidance than they're currently receiving. How can we possibly expect them to excel at their chosen profession when we refuse to discuss it, or, most of the time, even acknowledge the extent to which it goes on, eh? Without the right encouragement, most of them will never reach the giddy heights of being a registered sex offender (by Appointment to HM The Queen), remaining, instead, just anonymous little men practicing their vices unheralded, behind closed doors.