The Monsters Are Coming!

Another massive explosion, another official cover up. As if the Buncefield oil depot explosion before Christmas wasn't bad enough, now we have a massive explosion and fire at a chemical works in Billingham on Teesside. When are the authorities going to start telling us the truth about these incidents? Despite The Sleaze revealing that the Buncefield explosion had actually been caused by a giant ape (which proceeded to use the resulting cloud of thick smoke as cover for a rampage around Southern England), the official report makes no mention of any monster involvement, instead blaming 'human error'! No doubt they'll do the same thing with this Billingham business, despite the fact that I have it on very good authority that this incident too, was monster-related. Although the earliest reports claimed that the explosion was the result of a fire-breathing Godzilla-type monster emerging from the nearby River Tees, as a seasoned Monster Hunter, I immediately dismissed these claims as pure nonsense. Japanese monsters of the reptilian variety never venture further North than the Scilly Isles (except on rare occasions when they are under alien control - as there had been no recent local UFO sightings I also ruled this out as a possibility). Of course, it could have been a sea monster indigenous to British shores, such as a Behemoth or a Gorgo, but these have both been believed extinct since the 1950s. Whilst a mutation caused by radioactive releases from Sellafield can never be completely ruled out, the last recorded such creature was the giant cod which terrorised much of the coastline of North West England and Western Scotland a few years ago. The government successfully used the so-called 'foot and mouth' outbreak to cover up its terrible attacks, in which it would crawl out of the sea, rear up onto its tail and collapse onto buildings, completely flattening them.

After much research, I satisfied myself that the Billingham explosion was actually caused by human hand, in a desperate attempt to destroy the alien monsters being bred in the supposed 'chemical plant'. Apparently top government scientist Professor Ned Quatermass (grandson of the celebrated Professor Bernard Quatermass), pumped pure oxygen into alleged pressurised storage tanks to kill the creatures, which were being acclimatised to the earth's atmosphere. Unfortunately, the poisoning proved ineffective as the creatures were already too well acclimatised and the Professor was forced to blow up the domes with explosives, igniting the oxygen in the process! My research has been backed up by witness testimony of locals who saw the rain of miniature meteorites in which the creatures first came to earth and the blank-eyed, zombie like alien-possessed workers at the plant. However, I can guarantee that you'll read none of this in the press! Oh no! Once again the government doesn't want to panic the public by revealing its complete unpreparedness for a monster attack! For years now I've been campaigning for the establishment of a proper task force integrating scientists, police, intelligence experts and the military, to meet these threats! Instead, they insist on wasting millions fighting the so-called terrorist threat! For God's sake, what do you think is more of an immediate threat: some guy on a dialysis machine in an Afghan cave, or a fifty foot tall moth? And God help us all if Al Qaida ever find a way to control Godzilla or Rodan!