Caught Offside

"Trust me, it's the truth - Sepp Blatter was behind the assassination of Osama bin Laden. Blatter had got word that Osama was planning to stand against him in FIFA's presidential elections. He feared that, as Bin Laden was widely regarded as being less corrupt and autocratic than the existing FIFA regime, there was a good chance he'd win the contest. It's rumoured that he already had the English FA's vote in the bag in return for a promise of no suicide bombings at Premiership football grounds." This astonishing revelation - set to rock world football's governing body to its foundations - was relayed to me by a shadowy figure known only as 'Deep Bladder'. Summoned via Twitter to a 3 am meeting on the lowest level of an underground car park in Staines, I found myself confronted by a raincoat-clad, trilby hatted individual, lurking behind a pillar in the car park's murky depths. Whilst his revelation was certainly sensational, a question kept nagging at me: why would the US government collude with FIFA, the governing body of what is, effectively, a minority sport in the US? "Isn't it obvious? Blatter actually hates football! Surely his conduct as FIFA president for the past thirteen years proved that?" rasped the half-hidden figure, as it dragged on a cigarette. "The truth is that he's in the pay of the NFL - the plan is to completely discredit football as a global sport, paving the way for American Football to replace it in the world's affections."

With Bin Laden dead and the only other challenger for the FIFA presidency - Bin Hammam suspended and banned from all footballing activity, including playing Subuteo or enjoying a kickabout in the local park with his grandchildren - the way is now open for Blatter to complete his historic mission of destruction. "There's nothing that can stop him now," opined my shadowy friend. "His aim is to discredit football in its every manifestation - he's even plotting to have a 'corruption option' illicitly installed in those football manager computer games! Unscrupulous players will be able to bribe the opposing players and match officials into throwing matches!" However, there might yet be hope for world football, according to a subsequent meeting with another anonymous source, this time arranged via Facebook. "Her Majesty's government has suspected Sepp Blatter of being an evil super villain for some time now," my dinner-jacketed contact revealed during a mid-afternoon meeting in a Reading branch of Burger King. "The fact that his clearly criminal organisation is based in Switzerland - a favourite haven of Nazis and international criminal geniuses - was a big clue. We have it on very good authority that, if Blatter wins another term, he's planning on relocating FIFA to an extinct volcano in Japan." The humiliation of Premier David Cameron when, despite his personal support, England's bid for the 2018 World Cup was snubbed, seems to have sealed Blatter's fate. "Look, Dave's a fellow old Etonian, and 'The Service' doesn't like to see one of it's own treated that way," the contact continued. "The revelation that Blatter has been sanctioning assassinations himself has given us the perfect justification for authorising a 'Wet Job'. Rest assured, we've put our best man on the job. You can expect to see Blatter 'ruled offside' on a permanent basis - just as soon as we've got enough air miles for his ticket, that is."