The Naked Vatican

Concerns over the mental state of 82 year old Pope Benedict XVI were again raised when, in an apparent state of confusion, he publicly greeted US President Barack Obama and his family stark naked, save for his mitre and crook. President Obama, assuming this was normal Papal protocol, began to take his own clothes off until stopped by the First Lady. Vatican officials rushed to the Pope and tried to cover his nakedness with a tapestry hastily pulled from the wall. However, the Pope angrily beat them off with his crook, reportedly cursing at them in German. He was eventually restrained by six members of the Swiss Guard and dragged off to his private quarters. Mrs Obama later remarked that His Holiness’ crook was remarkably long and stiff for a man of his age. Officials moved quickly to try and blame the incident on medication the Pope was taking for a cold, although a later statement claimed that the Pontiff was actually celebrating the red letter day of St Onan of Chichi, Patron Saint of Naturists.

Only twenty four hours earlier, the Pope had been involved in another embarrassing incident - worshippers in St Peter’s Square, awaiting his regular Sunday address, were amazed to see the Pope stroll out onto his balcony, unzip his flies, and urinate over the balustrade. He then zipped up his flies and broke wind loudly, before strolling back inside, apparently oblivious to the stunned crowd below. Some eyewitnesses to the two events have claimed that the Pope appeared to be circumcised - a fact vehemently denied by the Vatican. Nevertheless, leading theological scholar Tommy Dodd believes that the Pope might have been secretly circumcised as part of his moves toward Catholic-Jewish reconciliation. Alternatively, Dodd believes, he could be a secret Rabbi. "It's not unusual for priests of other faiths to dress up in Catholic vestments," he reveals. "They're just so much more colourful and extravagant than those worn by just about any other faith. It's a form of ecclesiastical transvestism." For its part, the Vatican has dismissed fears that the pressures of the Papacy are becoming too much for the elderly Pontiff, resulting in his increasingly bizarre behaviour and pronouncements. "Look, these are all minor incidents," declared a spokesman. "It's not as if he's done anything really dangerous or controversial. Like invading Poland."