Inside the Conspiracy

OK, I know that a while back I said that I was going to stop obsessing about those 'Paul-is-Dead' fruitcakes over at 60IF but, they posted about one of my stories again. So they started it this time! At least, that's my rationale for returning to the subject. Anyway, the long and the short of it is that I'm apparently part of the conspiracy:

"After re-reading this, I think that the "I buried Paul" part of the article may have been written as an inside joke, there's a lot of interesting parallels there, & this kind of satirical humor was v.much enjoyed by The Beatles, Neil Innes & others in that circle.The 1st part of the article, which is a bit OTT, IMO, may be a diversary.The 'donuts' thing rings a bell, I can't think frm where tho'. "

Having re-read I Buried Paul myself, I'm not really sure how the first part of the story could be considered OTT. It's actually the most restrained part of the whole exercise, bearing in mind that the latter two thirds of the story involve the ghost of George Harrison being summoned and its revelation that the key to the whole mystery can be found in the lyrics of 'Obla di, obla da'. However, I am fascinated by the implication that I'm part of an 'inside joke' perpetrated by 'that circle'. Well, I can assure you all that I have never been a member of 'The Beatles', I'm much younger than Neil Innes (and have more hair), and I'm pretty damn sure that I was never Brian Epstein, Don Knotts or anybody else involved in this fantasy conspiracy. I've also never met Paul McCartney (either the real one or his supposed double), or anybody associated with him/them. (Although I do admit that I've got a couple of his early post-Beatles albums).

As for the business involving Jane Asher and the doughnut (although it turned out to be a chocolate eclair), well, I don't know where this fellow thinks he remembers it from as, like the rest of the story, it originates solely from my fevered imagination!

Bootlegged Beatles

"I'd been unofficially dead for nearly fifteen years - I was getting bored, I needed to make music again," says Harold Plucker, who portrays Paul McCartney in the current Bootleg Beatles line up and has recently claimed that he actually is the real Paul McCartney. "Forming a Beatles tribute band seemed the obvious thing to do - who would ever suspect that I was impersonating myself?" Plucker/McCartney claims that back in 1966 he was finding the pressures of being a member of the world's most successful pop act too much. However, the other members of the band were reluctant to either contemplate a split, or bringing in a new member. "They were afraid that changing the line-up could alienate the fans," he recalls. "Then Brian Epstein came up with the idea of replacing me with a lookalike. It was brilliant - it meant that I could assume a new identity and escape the limelight altogether." Consequently, a suitable replacement was recruited and given extensive plastic surgery. "I carried on writing for the band until they split up," claims Plucker/McCartney. "I never wrote for my replacement when he went solo - that's all his own work." Rumours about the replacement started to circulate in the late 1960s, and wild stories that the real McCartney had died in an accident, or had even been murdered began to spread. "Those crazy stories suited me," says Plucker/McCartney. "They made it easier for me to disappear - if everyone thought I was dead, nobody would be looking for me. "

Having made the decision to form a Beatles tribute band, Plucker/McCartney now faced the task of recruiting three other members. "It seemed obvious - if we were going to achieve that authentic Beatles sound, we'd need as many of the old crew as possible," he says. "I honestly thought that John would be the most difficult to persuade, but it turned out that he was getting tired of is life with Yoko and was finding his solo career unsatisfying." Obviously, the real John Lennon couldn't play himself in a tribute band, so the ex-Beatle decided to follow his band mate's example and faked his own death. However, the other members of the band proved more difficult to recruit. "George and Ringo just weren't interested," says Plucker/McCartney. "I offered the drummer's job to Pete Best - he jumped at the chance, even though it meant having to wear a false moustache and fake nose." Finding a faux-George Harrison was more more problematic. "We auditioned hundreds of lookalikes, but they were all crap. None of them could play like George," he sighs. "Then we heard about this kid - he had a guitar-shaped stigmata on his side. Sometimes it would gently weep. We decided that was a sign." Incredibly, the new recruit proved to be a brilliant guitarist. "It was uncanny, he sounded exactly like George," says Plucker/McCartney. "John reckoned he was like the Dalai Lama, you can identify him as a true reincarnation by his birthmarks." He believes that his group represents the true spirit of the Beatles. "Just look at the crap attributed to the 'real' Beatles since we split up - those two lousy singles in the 1990s," he says dismissively. "It was clear that without the song-writing genius of Lennon and McCartney, they were nothing." In answer to the criticism that the Bootleg Beatles haven't produced any original material at all, he points out that the songs they perform represent the peak of his and Lennon's creative output: "You can't improve on perfection. The public knows that, so we keep giving them what they want - the fruit of our genius!"

I Buried Osama - Again

OK, I think I've got to the bottom of who is really lurking behind the false whiskers of 'Faux-sama' - Norman Wisdom. When you think about, it is obvious. He hasn't made any films lately, he's about the right age, he's popular in Muslim countries like Iran and Albania and he's a trained stuntman. Let's not forget that there's a history of comic actors being used as doubles - Don Knotts, as every 'Paul is Dead' conspiracist knows -successfully impersonated Beatles' manager Brian Epstein for several years. Of course, unlike Knotts, Wisdom didn't require any plastic surgery for his impersonation - that beard can hide a multitude of sins.

The clues to 'Faux-sama's' identity were all there, obviously. The most obvious was when, in his latest video rant, he performs several prat falls before shouting "Mr Grimsdale!" and collapsing into fits of hysterical laughter. The second big clue came when he burst into several bars of 'Don't Laugh at me Because I'm a Fool' during his most recent broadcast. So there you have it, the mystery of 'Faux-sama' solved. If only the enigma of 'Faul' McCartney was so easy to solve...

I Buried Osama?

So, who is the fake Osama bin Laden? Or maybe we should call him 'Faux-sama', just like the 'Paul is Dead' crowd refer to the fake Paul McCartney as 'Faul'. There surely can't be any doubt by now that Osama has been replaced by a double. Just look at those recent photographs of him - that's clearly a fake beard he's wearing. Not only is it darker than the true Osama's beard, but it is a different shape and the hairline is all wrong. OK, the eyes look similar, but that could just be plastic surgery. Then there's the issue of his voice, just listen to his most recently released recordings - those most certainly aren't the mellifluous tones of the real Osama - this guy can barely speak in tune. The truth is that it could be anybody behind that face lace. But why has he been replaced? The answer they'd like you to believe is that the real Osama finally succumbed to his health problems, either that or one of those US bombs finally hit his mountain HQ. Obviously, Al Qaida wouldn't want to admit to his death, so to perpetuate the myth of invincibility around their figurehead, they simply employed a double.

However, there are already some far more convincing theories appearing. Some of them point to some kind of internal conflict in the terror organisation, with Osama threatening to break away and form his own group. Creative differences with right hand man Ayman al-Zawahiri have been cited, with the latter feeling that Osama's approach to terrorism has become too predictable and outmoded. Whilst Osama remained obsessed with big single events like 9/11, al-Zawahiri favoured a more innovative approach, with large numbers of terror 'happenings' involving performance artists. Could Osama have been 'offed' by his own group and replaced by a more compliant double? Another popular theory is that Osama was assassinated by neo-Nazis when they discovered that he was actually Jewish, a deep-cover Mossad agent out to discredit Islam by creating and funding a fundamentalist terror group which indiscriminately blows up innocent people. The simplest explanation offered has been that the real Osama was the victim of an accident, dying when the donkey he was travelling on went out of control and plunged off of a precipice in the Afghan mountains.

Of course, some of us aren't surprised by the emergence of 'Faux-sama'. Anybody who'd taken a good look at the cover of his Osama bin Laden's Crazy Fundamentalist Terrorist Club Band album (which contained some of his greatest anti-Western rants), would have spotted some obvious clues. 'Osama is the only one of the four leading Al Qaida figures posed in military uniform to be presented full-face, rather than in profile, and obvious reference to him being a corpse. Not only that, but one of the famous war criminals featured in the background, Pol Pot, is clearly wearing the same false beard sported by 'Faux-sama' - a clue indicating that he is actually Cambodian, perhaps? You see, it's all there. You just have to use your imagination a bit.

The Morons March Again

Back to the 'Paul is Dead' brigade, most specifically the freaks over on the 60IF boards. They're back to commenting on my McCartney death conspiracy satires. It seems some of them really aren't amused:

"I don't believe all this.I just don't. I think he is just not that kind of guy. (I mean him f***ing everything that moves)Seriously. That I BURIED PAUL post is just sick. Seriously. "

So, I make conspiracy nutters 'sick'? Wow! I really must write more of this stuff! If nothing else, this confirms my suspicions that obsessives really don't have a sense of humour. They're like religious nutters in that respect. Seriously folks, if you can't take a joke, you really have lost all perspective. Let's face it, if your belief system can't withstand a robust piss-take, then it really isn't up to much, is it? But back to the freaks - it seems that one of them might have some critical faculties:

"Sorry guys but I think you will find that the posts are not ezwizards fabrications, he/she (sorry) was just showing an article that some random had written, lets not go over the top and I'm sorry if my post offended anyone but hey it was a joke, get over it."

Yeah, get over it! So I'm 'some random', eh? Again, it's that conspiracy theorist arrogance coming through! If you aren't 'one of them', you can't possibly have the right to know anything of their whacked out beliefs, let alone talk about them! Fucking morons!

Yet More Musings on Morons

With regard to the previous post and my comments about the lack of critical faculties displayed by many web-users, I direct you to this, and rest my case. Yes indeed, it's yet another bunch of dullards 'discovering' an old story (The Devil and Paul McCartney) and failing to notice (despite all the obvious clues) that it is a piece of satirical fiction. OK, I know it is nothing new, but this instance just drips with irony. These particular dullards are part of a community apparently devoted to undermining the 'Paul is Dead' nonsense (not that it requires much to refute it, other than a working intellect), demonstrating all the idiocy of their mortal enemies by taking something they find on the web at face value. The best bits come when they characterise the author (me) as some kind of nut:

"Ok, call in the NEXT WHACKO. This one is just another face in that ever-growing crowd of lost and confused dimwits. Though his story may be fascinating (to some), it's just another tale concocted in that place found somewhere between being in a deep sleep and waking up. "

Jesus, what a fucking pretentious pillock! Trust me dickhead, that story was 'concocted' (or, as I like to call it, written), in the cold light of day. But it gets better with the next idiot who posts:

"This guy sounds nuttier than the TKINers! And that's no small feat. He doesn't think Paul has aged much? Try the sagging face and the gray hair visible through the hair coloring. Granted, he does look good for his age, but so does Ringo. Maybe he made a deal with the devil as well? "

THe 'TKINers', for those of you still holding on to your sanity, are the bunch of 'Paul is Dead' pricks I usually take the piss out of (and whose ramblings inspired I Buried Paul). Now, bearing in mind that I am satirising the TKINers, is it surprising that the story doing this has to propose a conspiracy even whackier than any of theirs? And no, shit-for-brains, I don't think that McCartney hasn't aged - I'm taking the piss. Obviously taking the piss. Well, obviously to every intelligent person who has read the story (and that's quite a few thousand by now). In fact, the only other people who took it seriously are those TKINers you so love to pour scorn on.

Like I said, ironic, huh?

Was It Forty Years Ago Today..?

I wonder how many blog entries have got some variation of that for a title today? Sorry to be unoriginal, but I've had a very trying day, coming at the tail end of a very trying week. But getting back to the point - 'Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band'. Was it really forty years ago that it was released? It doesn't seem possible. I'm afraid that I can't offer any erudite insights into the album, instead, all I can offer is a personal reminiscence. I know that for many people this is an iconic album which represents a turning point in popular music, which is true. But for me, 'Sgt Pepper', along the preceding 'Strawberry Fields'/'Penny Lane' double A-side, represent my earliest musical memories. I was very young when my sister - an ardent Beatles fan to this day - bought these records when they were released. It seems to me, over the distance of memory, that she played them incessantly. That probably isn't true. Nevertheless, they were burned into my memory, became part of the soundtrack of my childhood and helped form my ideas of what popular music should be like. As regular readers both here and over at The Sleaze will know, The Beatles still exert a powerful fascination for me - they have become embedded, not just in my psyche, but popular culture, and have gained a mythic status in the process.

Like all myths, they have become open to interpretation, not just their lyrics and music, but the individuals themselves and their lives. The most extreme form of this reinterpretation has been the whole 'Paul is Dead' urban myth - something else which regular readers will know fascinates me. This has seen an obsessive poring over everything connected with the Fab Four in an attempt to 'prove' that Paul died in 1966 and was replaced by a double. As I've noted elsewhere in this blog, some of these obsessives have taken this to crazy extremes, extrapolating from Paul's supposed replacement that just about every famous person you've ever heard of has been replaced. All this from that one album. Because, after all, it was such a radical change from the Beatles' previous image and music, it had to be significant of something hadn't it? Of course, such an attitude reveals a profound ignorance of the very thing these people claim to be a fan of. Anyone who knows The Beatles knows that 'Sgt Pepper' was the culmination of their musical development. Two previous albums - 'Rubber Soul' and 'Revolver' - were clearly already moving in the direction of 'Sgt Pepper'. There was no radical shift in musical direction, just a musical evolution. But such is the stuff of myth - the facts get obscured in the mists of time. Well, I've rambled on for long enough. Really, all I wanted to say was that it seems incredible that something which is now a cherished childhood memory to me, happened so long ago.

Cranberry Sauce!

At long last I've been noticed! Not by the mainstream media or the Nobel literature prize committee, you understand. But by something far more important: the 60IF message board. This is the heart of the whackiest of all the online 'Paul is Dead' communities. These people are the absolute creme de la creme of the Beatles conspiracy world. Regular readers (and it is rumoured that there might be a few) will know that it was the rantings of this community which provided the original inspiration for my first foray into the world of McCartney madness - I Buried Paul. Anyway, much to my delight, its members have at last discovered this and The Devil and Paul McCartney, and have devoted a thread to them! Cue more insane discussions as they attempt to ascertain whether there's any truth in the stories (clue: just try clicking on the link to The Sleaze home page and read the strap line: "Incredible Lies Today - Still Bollocks Tomorrow"). The final post in the thread seems in indicate a degree of terrible realisation:

"This is ****ing stupid, have some self respect!"

Actually, to be fair, I strongly suspect that the board member who posted the stories to 60IF is actually some kind of piss-taking infiltrator, deliberately trying to test their credulity. I only wish that I'd thought of doing it!
Aside from this belated recognition of my contributions to the field, the 60IF boards seem, currently, to be moving in some interesting directions, with much speculation about other celebrity replacements. It seems that just about everybody famous you've ever heard of has been replaced. At least nine times, in the case of Bob Dylan. The coincidence of them 'discovering' my stories right at the same time that The Sleaze is headlining a story satirising conspiracy theories is incredibly post-modern (actually, it probably isn't. I have to confess that I've never really understood what the fuck postmodernism is all about, but I've been wanting to use the phrase for ages). It is fascinating watching them go through the conspiracy-forming process described in The Big Conspiracy, as they try and make the facts fit their whacked out world view with regard to celebrity doppelgangers. The bottom line is that it is all pure satirical gold and raw material for yet another future story...

It's Gonna Taste Fake!

Yes, that bloody advert for Frosties is back. Or at least a new version of it. But, as I predicted many, many posts ago, that irritating kid in it is different! This can only fuel the rumours that the original Frosties boy is dead, that he died shortly after making the advert, in fact. Of course, I bet that if you were to contact Kelloggs, they'd tell you that the kid hadn't changed, although he's obviously completely different! It's Paul McCartney all over again! It can only be a matter of time before bands of intrepid conspiracy theorists start setting up websites comparing screen grabs of the two different Frosties kids, highlighting the differences and the evidence of obvious plastic surgery.

The other question which needs answering is whether or not Tony the Tiger has been replaced as well? Is that really the Tony we all know and love in that new ad? Or did he have to go as well? Did he know too much about the kid's replacement. Or maybe he's the same, and is actually the mastermind behind it all? Perhaps the original kid was taking too much attention away from the real star of the campaign and had to go! Conspiracists of the world wide web unite! We have a right to know the truth!

Whatever Happened To...The Beatles?

I know, I know - two of them died, one of them married a one-legged woman and the fourth became Thomas the Tank Engine. But what if things hadn't gone quite as well for the Fab Four back in the sixties as they actually did? What if they hadn't made so much money and had been forced to pursue other careers, post-Beatles? (No, I don't count bed-ins, films like Caveman and Wings as proper careers). What if John and George hadn't met untimely ends? A lot of 'what ifs', huh? Long, long ago, in a far off post, I recounted my nightmare vision of what John Lennon might be doing if he was alive today - presenting Songs of Praise. Yes indeed, white haired and wearing a roll neck sweater (but still sporting those Granny glasses), there he'd be every Sunday afternoon, sat in his rocking chair giving us a few bars of 'Imagine' on his guitar (accompanied by Yoko on tambourine), before introducing this week's service from some church in the arsehole of England.

I have no doubt that if this had ever come to pass, we'd have seen ITV sign up Paul McCartney to host its rival God-slot offering: Highway. Out would go ex-Goon Harry Secombe blasting out 'If I ruled the World' and blowing raspberries in between reading out letters from viewers chronicling how their faith enables them to endure the appalling afflictions, illnesses and maimings inflicted upon them by God, and in would come Macca treating us to 'Let it Be' on the organ of St Paul's cathedral - with the chorus sung by hundreds of assembled school children. Every Sunday would turn into a battle of rival Christian philosophies, with John and Yoko preaching their fundamentalist vision of the teachings of Christ (all loving thy neighbour and redistributing wealth), while Paul gave us his evangelical showbiz take on the faith (all glitz and glory of God, with a few miracles thrown in).

But what of George? Clearly, the only home for him would have been Channel Four in the days when it still had some integrity. He would doubtless have ended up presenting their alternative religious programme, showcasing those less-popular (in Britain), but peace loving creeds such as Buddhism, Hare Krishna and he like. Every week's show would wind up with him having a jamming session on sitars with a bunch of Tibetan monks or Eastern mystics, in a studio foggy with the smoke of a thousand joss sticks. That just leaves Ringo. Ah, Ringo! I fear that he'd have ended up presenting something like Booze Britain on FTN or some similar scuzzy digital channel. Truth be told, it would probably be mostly composed of his own home movies, as he staggers from pub to pub around London, before collapsing in a steaming heap outside the Savoy, as he awaited his chauffeur driven Rolls Royce, (complete with built-in bar). Mind you, it would surely still be preferable to ending up as the voice of a talking railway engine...

Some Musings on Morons...

I never realised the fun I would have when I posted that last editorial over on The Sleaze last month. If you haven't read it (and if not, why not?), I ranted at length about some of the truly idiotic search terms people put into Google and which eventually bring them to The Sleaze. In particular, I highlighted search phrases such as 'My missus naked', or 'My wife fucked' and wondered exactly what kind of morons made such searches and whether they actually expected to get any relevant results. Well, much to my joy, the very fact that those phrases appear in the editorial have resulted in a significant number of these dullards finding their way to it, where they're confronted with my forthright opinions on them! Ha! What joy! The trouble is, of course, that they're probably too stupid to grasp that I'm taking the piss out of them. However, now that those phrases are also in this post , means that, sooner or later, the cretins will turn up here! So, if you didn't get the message before boys - I think you are a bunch of drooling morons who shouldn't be let near a keyboard, let alone a search engine.

Whilst we're on the subject of morons, I've noticed with interest that some of the leading whacked out weirdoes over at the '60IF' message board (they're the 'leading' authority on the 'Paul McCartney is dead and replaced by a double' conspiracy), have recently started postulating that Paul is actually alive! Now, I know that all of you who have been following his divorce case, or have bought any of his albums over the past thirty seven years (you poor deluded souls!) will be saying 'No shit, Sherlock'. However, the new '60IF' position is (naturally) a bit more complex than that. Apparently, Paul was replaced by a double back in 1966, but at his own behest because he couldn't stand the pressures of fame, or something, and has since lived under an assumed identity (possibly Donald Rumsfeld). This amazing turnaround in their core beliefs is all based upon some highly scientific analysis of hairlines in forty year old photographs.

Now, the eagle-eyed amongst you will have spotted by now that this new theory is, in essence, pretty similar to the plot of I Buried Paul which was published in The Sleaze last Summer. Of course, nobody on the 60IF board is admitting having read that piece of sensational reportage, but somehow I doubt their change in theories is coincidental. Clearly, The Sleaze is far more persuasive and influential than I ever suspected! Anyway, if you can stand the unbridled lunacy and lack of respect for even the most basic tenents of the English language, go and check it out for yourselves over at 60IF . You just can't make this stuff up...

The Walrus Was Paul?

Sometimes you have to leave lots of material out of stories, usually to keep the down to length, often for legal reasons and occasionally for reasons of credibility. I Buried Paul falls into the last category. When I researched that story it was if I'd fallen through a hole in the space-time continuum and found myself in a bizarre parallel universe. It really is scary just how many people seem to subscribe to this 'Paul McCartney is Dead' nonsense. I got a lot of the inspiration for the story from a particularly lunatic message board calling itself The King is Naked, which seems to take its inspiration from an especially deluded document which can be found here. I stumbled across this latter item via the Fortean Times message boards, where a poster had described reading it as being akin to experiencing someone's descent into madness. He wasn't exaggerating.

Basically, this document contained stuff about the alleged replacement of Paul McCartney which was just so bizarre I didn't dare use it even in a satire story - people would have said I'd just gone too far! According to the document, not just McCartney, but also The Beatles' manager Brian Epstein had been murdered (probably by the KKK, or maybe the Rolling Stones) and secretly replaced by doubles. Now, the best bit was the claim that Epstein had been replaced by Don Knotts! Yes, that Don Knotts! The late comic actor who appeared in such classic movies as The Reluctant Astronaut and Herbie Goes to Monte Carlo (which, according to a thread on the aforementioned message board, contains all manner of 'clues' about Paul's 'death'), not to mention the Andy Griffiths Show on TV (which he mysteriously left in 1966, right about the time Paul supposedly died...). I was left reeling - you just can't make this stuff up! I read on, hoping to find that Paul had been replaced by Norman Wisdom, but sadly no, it just went into some incomprehensible explanation about a Canadian Military Police sergeant called Billy Sheppard aka Billy Shears aka Billy Pepper. Mind you, it ended on the bombshell that John Lennon had been murdered to keep him quiet after he uncovered the truth behind Paul's 'death'. Apparently Yoko works for MI6. All of this is accompanied by lots of pictures of Paul and 'Faul' (the post 1966 fake McCartney), allegedly showing how they can't be the same person. Oh, and 'Faul' was also Vivian Stanshall from the Bonzo Dog Doo Da Band, although I'm not clear why.

Now, if I'd included any of that, I Buried Paul would have been dismissed as too over the top. It would have been just too bizarre to be funny. I have no doubt that my main piece of invention, about the sexual assault on the walrus, was far more credible. Of course, all of the above lunacy is backed up with 'evidence' in the form of highly dubious (mis) interpretations of many Beatles' lyrics. This is actually what I really hate about this whole conspiracy; the way it reduces the whole of a great group's post-1966 musical output to an elaborate puzzle. Apparently we can't simply enjoy 'Strawberry Fields Forever'/'Penny Lane' as one of the greatest pop singles ever released, or 'Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band' as a revolutionary album which defined an era. Oh no, they are merely artifacts in some spurious quest for 'the truth'. And that's what this, like most other conspiracy theories and cults is really about - allowing its adherents to believe that they are somehow 'special' because they are the guardians of some great hidden secret'. Only they have been enlightened; only they can see the 'truth'!

Cranberry Sauce!