I Buried Osama?

So, who is the fake Osama bin Laden? Or maybe we should call him 'Faux-sama', just like the 'Paul is Dead' crowd refer to the fake Paul McCartney as 'Faul'. There surely can't be any doubt by now that Osama has been replaced by a double. Just look at those recent photographs of him - that's clearly a fake beard he's wearing. Not only is it darker than the true Osama's beard, but it is a different shape and the hairline is all wrong. OK, the eyes look similar, but that could just be plastic surgery. Then there's the issue of his voice, just listen to his most recently released recordings - those most certainly aren't the mellifluous tones of the real Osama - this guy can barely speak in tune. The truth is that it could be anybody behind that face lace. But why has he been replaced? The answer they'd like you to believe is that the real Osama finally succumbed to his health problems, either that or one of those US bombs finally hit his mountain HQ. Obviously, Al Qaida wouldn't want to admit to his death, so to perpetuate the myth of invincibility around their figurehead, they simply employed a double.

However, there are already some far more convincing theories appearing. Some of them point to some kind of internal conflict in the terror organisation, with Osama threatening to break away and form his own group. Creative differences with right hand man Ayman al-Zawahiri have been cited, with the latter feeling that Osama's approach to terrorism has become too predictable and outmoded. Whilst Osama remained obsessed with big single events like 9/11, al-Zawahiri favoured a more innovative approach, with large numbers of terror 'happenings' involving performance artists. Could Osama have been 'offed' by his own group and replaced by a more compliant double? Another popular theory is that Osama was assassinated by neo-Nazis when they discovered that he was actually Jewish, a deep-cover Mossad agent out to discredit Islam by creating and funding a fundamentalist terror group which indiscriminately blows up innocent people. The simplest explanation offered has been that the real Osama was the victim of an accident, dying when the donkey he was travelling on went out of control and plunged off of a precipice in the Afghan mountains.

Of course, some of us aren't surprised by the emergence of 'Faux-sama'. Anybody who'd taken a good look at the cover of his Osama bin Laden's Crazy Fundamentalist Terrorist Club Band album (which contained some of his greatest anti-Western rants), would have spotted some obvious clues. 'Osama is the only one of the four leading Al Qaida figures posed in military uniform to be presented full-face, rather than in profile, and obvious reference to him being a corpse. Not only that, but one of the famous war criminals featured in the background, Pol Pot, is clearly wearing the same false beard sported by 'Faux-sama' - a clue indicating that he is actually Cambodian, perhaps? You see, it's all there. You just have to use your imagination a bit.